We at the Campus Times would like to let our readers in on a little secret.

Virtually every editorial ? and a fair degree of the news articles ? that have appeared until now in the CT have been bald-faced lies. We could say that we?ve been doing this to yank the chain of the administration, but the truth is that we?ve been doing it out of ennui.

You wouldn?t believe how bored you can get sitting around waiting on the copy desk for hours Wednesday nights.

Anyway, the time has come to set you straight.

We knew all along that Who Cares? Guy was a sure bet for the SA Presidency, since the CT controls campus voting. We?re sorry we gave you false hope like that, Mindy. Although your lack of hair in the photo should have been a tip-off.

We were actually the driving force behind freshman housing. Dean of the College William Green is merely one of our unwitting pawns. The entire freshman housing project was really just our way to screw with ICLC and get revenge on frats that are not Delta Upsilon.

Our photography department would like to thank the Students? Association Appropriations Committee for their recent and generous bribe. Keep up the good work, gentlemen. We support you.

We have no comment on Admissions Director Jamie Hobba.

Daryl is still around? Wow. Shouldn?t he have graduated or something?

We would like to offer a formal apology the last 128 years. We are really, really sorry. Honestly.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

UR Womens’ Lacrosse trounces Nazareth 17-5

UR’s Womens’ Lacrosse team beat Nazareth University 17–5 on Tuesday at Fauver Stadium.

UR Baseball beats Hamilton and RIT

Yellowjackets baseball beat Hamilton College on Tuesday and RIT on Friday to the scores of 11–4 and 7–4, respectively.