After last week’s campus-wide vote, SA Government announced early Saturday morning that this year’s winner of the 5K Challenge is “Big Weed.” Initially put forward with no additional context by UR sophomores Randy Daniels and Danny Randalls, Big Weed won in a landslide, taking 75 percent of the vote.

“We saw a lot of enthusiasm for Big Weed right out of the gate,” said SA President and vote-organizer Gustav “Cashews” Qumpf. “There were proposals addressing things like combating racism and sexual harassment on campus, expanding on-campus housing, and bolstering support for the humanities, but nothing got the students going quite like Big Weed.”

Despite widespread support from students, University administrators, caught off-guard by Big Weed’s victory, were confused about how they should interpret just what the proposal entailed.

“Does this mean the kids want, like, just one huge nug?” asked University President Richard Feldman shortly after the results were announced. “Like a boulder of cannabis? I feel like that doesn’t occur naturally in the wild, unless it gets hit by that space rock from ‘Rampage.’”

Feldman was also concerned with the logistics of realizing Big Weed in a way that would have the widest possible impact.

“Unless we hotbox the Palestra and have students go through an airlock in shifts,” Feldman said, “one big nug of weed isn’t going to be very efficient. Five grand worth of weed distributed in smaller increments, though … that idea might have legs.”

Neither Daniels nor Randalls have any memory of actually submitting their proposal, which was the only submission written in crayon on the back of a pizza box.

“It’s like, you gotta listen to me here for a second,” said Daniels, when asked for further clarification as to just what Big Weed is meant to accomplish. “Like, out here in Leatherstocking Country, we’re already out here just smoking big ol’ doinks. Why not a 5K doink? Exercise while you smoke, ‘cause it’s fucking nice out.”

When informed that the 5K in “5K Challenge” is a monetary value and not a unit of distance, Daniels became euphoric, jumping around the Starbucks where this interview took place while yelling, “I’m rich but with drugs instead of money!”

Randalls, in contrast, refused to comment when approached, repeatedly telling this reporter, “I grew it on my property, and so if you’re a cop, you’re like legally required to tell me.”

A potential roadblock in Big Weed’s path is New York’s current marijuana laws, which state that possession is a decriminalized offense only up to 25 grams — presumably far less than would be necessary to fully realize Big Weed.

However, both Feldman and Qumpf assured that Public Safety and the Rochester Police Department have already been trained in handling Big Weed, and will follow the standard procedures implemented across America. As such, they will only profile, arrest, and charge non-white individuals for possession.



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