Have you ever looked at one of your buddies and wondered why you two are friends?

Well, after asking myself this question regarding my companion, Hero, I realized that the two of us are not even close to being friends. I see him as someone I need to look after—someone who needs special assistance because he, himself, is incapable of doing life.

One of my actual friends and a housemate of Hero’s, Nighthawk, described his relationship with Hero in one great sentence: “Hero is simply a stray dog that really just needs a home and a nurturing family to look after him.”

Now, to talk more about Hero’ personality—or, shall I say, numbness—there are certain situations that involve me doing very caring things for this man and receiving absolutely nothing in return.

To illustrate a specific instance, there was a time where he called me saying he had an emergency. Knowing Hero, I knew he could have just been bluffing, but he was panting and screaming into the phone, so I thought something terrible had happened.

Naturally, I was completely wrong.

He was 100-percent bluffing, and I had just left my lecture to find him sitting on his couch, eating veggie chips, and whining to me that he was bored. He emphasized that whatever I was doing couldn’t have been as important as his problems, but the worst part was that I wasn’t even mad.

Deep down, I was furious, but I remembered that this is coming from Hero, the most unfeeling man to ever live. What would being mad at him do? He’d come back with his tired explanation: “I don’t care about other people because they’re not me! I’m the only one that I am, and that’s it!”

If anything, I have decided to consider Hero as a chore; someone I need to make sure is well-fed and looked-after.

Because of this, I am now currently taking applications for friends, but I do want to stress that I have other friends and am totally not desperate to meet new people.

For my contact information, feel free to call/text me at (555) 923-0178, or email me at rgerimo@u.rochester.edu, or follow my Snapchat, bgerami, or DM on my Instagram account, bgerami, or find me on Facebook. Please message me.

Also, out of fear that Hero will see this article, let me just say that I love chores.

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Yes, I participate in running aimlessly in an oval. However, I have a talent that you might not ever guess just by looking at me. I throw the javelin.

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"It was quiet until 8:00 a.m., when a distant rumble suddenly became an overwhelming earthquake and a barrage of students seized the area.” Sound like 1945? It was actually last Friday.