Timothy “Little Timmy” Garvey was found last Thursday after accidentally spending his entire freshman orientation lost in Wilson Commons.

“I was just looking for Panda Express, and the next thing I knew, I was crossing all of these weird, confusing bridges,” Garvey said in an interview after his discovery. “It was so cold…”

Garvey, a 5-foot tall freshmen hailing from Fairport High School, didn’t stand a chance against the intimidating jungle gym windows and pinball machine floor plan of Wilson Commons.

“There are 3,476 panes of glass in that building; I counted every single one,” Garvey exclaimed after his iPhone died three hours into his solitude. “All I had was my orientation booklet and my lanyard to keep me company.”

Garvey owes his freedom to senior Zach Kinson, who discovered the frail boy on his way to his “favorite bathroom” on the fifth floor of Wilson Commons Thursday afternoon.

“I noticed him lying in a makeshift shelter in the flower basin next to the stairs on the fifth floor. He was just covered in dirt and looked like he hadn’t eaten anything in months,” Kinson said, who only noticed Garvey due to the smoke of his smoldering campfire.

The most troubling part of this ordeal is that it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Not only did Garvey miss out on essential orientation activities such as two truths and a lie, the human knot and telephone charades, but he also missed out on the infamous Ice Cream Social.

“We’re not taking this issue lightly,” UR President Joel Seligman said at a press conference after the incident. “Not only are we going to equip every freshman on campus with detailed topographic maps of Wilson Commons, but we’re also extending freshman orientation into October.”

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