Aries (March 21-April 19) – When your friend tells you there are plenty of fish in the sea, you will look around campus and remind him that whales are actually mammals.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The design of River Campus is a real feat of engineering; no matter which way you walk, the wind blows directly in your face!
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Tired after a gym session but your boyfriend wants to come over to your suite? Well remember, many hands makes quick work!
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – A recent poll showed that the most common STIs picked up after drunken hook-ups are girlfriends. A common cure is call screening and infidelity.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – This weekend you will finally have enough of your lesbian suite mate leaving the seat up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Ignorance is bliss? Don’t get tested!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – If girls love rockers, then fake girls must love fake rockers. Bring your copy of “Rock Band” to the nearest sorority floor and wait for the groupies.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Lack of sunlight getting you down? Buy a UV light. Then you can grow drugs to make you feel better!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – This weekend you’ll regret spiking your hair before motorboating your girlfriend’s new implants.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Try serving carrot juice at your next party. It will make the girls want to breed like rabbits!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The eagerness of the Red Cross volunteers to get your blood will make you suspicious that they are actually vampires.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When sleeping over at a guy’s place don’t forget a pad lest you gain the nickname ‘The Matador.’
(if you actually believe this, then you believe the new dorms are safe.)