Aries (March 21-April 19) – MuscleMilk shakes were not what you had in mind when you told your girlfriend to drink more protein.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – While at a strip club bar and grill, you’ll think twice about ordering the seafood platter.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When you accidentally walk in on your shy friend with a gorgeous girl, you will finally understand the phrase ‘speak softly and carry a big stick.’

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When your girlfriend told you she was giving up sex for Lent, you immediately knew what you had to give up. Monogamy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Frowning uses a lot more muscles than smiling. This must explain why fellatio is way better from depressed girls.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Men are like March because when they first get to your room, they’re sheepish and nice, but when they leave, they’re always lyin’.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – If you’re going to the beach for spring break, remember to wait 30 minutes before swimming after you eat out (with) a girl.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – The best way to get drugs off the street is to buy them and take them home.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Usually, the longer you wait for things, the better they are. Unfortunately this is not the case with the parking office.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – After losing the re-election for club president, you will tell people you’re a lame duck. Unfortunately for you, the girls you’ve been with are calling you a lame something else?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You can’t help but think back to childhood memories of the boy scout salute as you give a girl the shocker.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You know college is great when playing Beirut with a girl on the Frat Quad counts as a date.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe drinking alcohol kills cold viruses.)



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