They say that love is blind, but I am convinced it is deaf and dumb as well. Love is too blind to see what an asshole you are dating, too deaf to hear the warnings everyone gives you and too dumb to realize the truth.
No one personifies these three aspects more than my cousin Suzy.
In every bad relationship, there are constant clues that alert friends and relatives of your partner’s horrible behavior. However, the people in the relationship are often impervious to these signs.
In the case of Suzy, there are four and a half years worth of outstanding evidence against her boyfriend.
If you look up loser in the dictionary, I swear there is a picture of him.
So, compliments of Suzy’s relationship, here are the “Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend Is A Loser.”
1 ? You met him in an Internet chatroom. There is a stigma attached to online relationships and that stigma exists because of relationships like Suzy’s.
2 ? He is a pizza deliveryman. Do not get me wrong, it is great to be a pizza deliveryman ? when you are in high school and college. When you are 27, it’s time to move on.
3 ? He uses his asthma as an excuse to quit his job and not get another one. I never knew that driving a pizza delivery car around town was so grueling.
4 ? He breaks up with you when you refuse to drop out of school for him. How does this even make sense? I am at a loss here.
5 ? When you break up with him, he threatens to kill himself. This is not funny ? it is sick.
6 ? He will not find another job, because he is holding out for employment as a video game tester. Just further proof of his extremely childlike mindset.
7 ? He does not work because he does not want to pay child support for his three-year-old child. He is obviously the scum of the Earth.
8 ? He spends all day at home painting figurines. What makes this seem like a good idea? How is this a productive use of time? You would think he could at least do laundry.
9 ? He cannot go to any of your family functions and does not let you go because his grandmother died. I have never known any grandmother who has come back from the dead so many times.
Some people are lucky because they have 12 grandmothers ? he is unlucky because they all die right before our family functions.
10 ? He gets arrested for not paying child support and then expects you and your parents to pay $5,000 to bail him out of jail on a Sunday morning.
I know it sounds hard to believe, but all of these signs come from my cousin’s current relationship. Some people just make the worst decisions.
Please, if you notice any of these traits in your current relationship, get out while you still can. It will save you a lot of time and your family a lot of worry.
Plus, with over six billion people in this world, you cannot afford to get sidetracked by a loser.
My suggestion to avoid these relationship black holes is to create a game for yourself. Until recently, my game was to kiss at least one boy from every letter of the alphabet ? Adam, Ben, Chris, Dave, etc, etc. It kept me occupied and it definitely kept me out of relationships.
Unfortunately, my little alphabet game did not exactly keep me out of trouble. So please be careful, but remember, always have fun ? after all, this is college.
Haber can be reached at bhaber@campustimes.org.
