Horoscope

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Learn a new kind of dance this week. Whether it’s the C-Walk or Meringue, it does not matter.Now, with your new moves, dance in a circle around some candles and incense. Hey, you’re not supposed to have candles in your dorm room – Security!Aries (March 21-April 19) – Don’t get locked out of your room this week. Your friend is going to hire a ninja squirrel to chase you down the hall. Have your keys and a can of Ready Whip to be prepared for this fateful day. Hey, it’s you or him, and whipped cream is a squirrel’s kryptonite.Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Have the people around you do your homework for you this week. Get tight with the Comp Sci dude across the hall. Offer to do their homework but don’t do it. You do nothing, but your homework is done. I am a genius.Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Go hunting this weekend. But don’t kill any animals. Kill a wheel of cheese.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – They say the apple doesn’t all far from the tree. But, what if the tree is on a hill and the apple rolls really far? Is that falling far from the tree or just circumstantial poppycock?Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – The government will have a laser pointed at your head on Wednesday. So, wear an aluminum foil helmet to protect yourself.Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Start up a movie and board game night with your friends. I recommend “Mouse Trap” and “Stuart Little.” If you don’t like mice, suck it up.Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – You will be the beacon of light that everyone will look to for love and support this week. Give out free hugs behind the Dairy Queen on Mount Hope.Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – The Pit is having a shortage of coasters. You must serve your country. Design some coasters for the benefit of mankind. It’s way better than joining the army.Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – The one- eyed blind man cannot see the one-armed water polo player. You’ll have a great week.Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Go out on Tuesday and buy all new socks and underwear. Someone is going to steal all of your underwear from the dryer. Get a safe to protect all this new clothing from a fire that probably won’t happen.Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Put $20 in your top drawer before you go to bed. Then, when you wake up the next day and open you top drawer you will find $20. This will work every day this week.(If you actually believe this, then you really want it to start snowing.)