Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – It’s your birthday, go shorty – nevermind. Enjoy this week before things get hard again, go get high and shake your groove thang.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Stop being fake and start getting real. Or at least turn off that damn television, it’s just “Real World” reruns anyhow. Go study in CLARC or something.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Who’s a whore? You are! If you don’t start keeping your pants on or at least wrapping it more often you’re gonna end up regretting more than last night’s conquest.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – It’s called a treadmill, and I know it’s the pot calling the kettle black, but get your fat ass back on it. No one likes fat or ugly people and you can do something about the former.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Things are swinging your way for now. Enjoy it while you can baby, but don’t let it get to your head or else you’ll end up with a bad case of encephalitis.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – The work you’re producing frankly sucks. Get through this semester by letting people know the best is yet to come and that you’ve got to find your groove.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – People are hounding you for what they want and not taking no for an answer. Be firm and tell them where to put their requests. You’ll find that things start falling your way.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – It’s OK to tell people to cut the crap. My only suggestion is to beware of short people – they carry all sorts of diseases.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Put up with playing shrink to your friends for a bit longer and you’ll be handsomely rewarded – with Mike Gerton.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Tell people to bugger off. You need time to yourself this week and that’s OK. My suggestion is to avoid waterfalls or cliffs though – someone is out to get you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You suck. Unfortunately it’s true and even your friends think so. Perhaps, were you to keep your mouth shut and not be so rude, people wouldn’t hate you so much.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Follow your heart and ask out your favorite CT editor for a night of drugs, alcohol and sex. We’re all overworked and given the opportunity to unwind would probably blow your mind – among other things.
(If you actually believe this, your hot pants are probably too tight. This is not to be taken seriously.)
