In light of the recent controversies surrounding the necessity of fraternities, URochester has come up with a completely fair and justified punishment for all future frat-based offenses: The University will grant full legal, medical, and disciplinary amnesty from any wrongdoing they could commit on the sole condition that they write an essay afterward. The list of actions covered by this new policy includes but is not limited to: littering, loitering, underage drinking, arson, sexual harassment, breaking and entering, sexual assault, theft, public indecency, verbal abuse, elder abuse, battery, domestic terrorism, and homicide.
In an interview, the president of a local fraternity attempted to justify this plan when he said “… listen, most frat members can barely read, much less write. It’s an uphill battle to get them to actually craft a coherent sentence. If you ask me, it’s too extreme. I mean, these are young, innocent men whose lives are on the line just for something as trivial as leaving young, innocent women internally and externally scarred for life.”
As with many campus amenities, the University found a way to promote existing programs with the new policy. The Writing, Speaking, and Argument Center (WSAC) will now hold weekly victim-blaming seminars for all the nearly-incarcerated frat members, where they can learn helpful phrases such as: “What was she wearing that night?,” “Well, she said ‘I’m not sure’ at one point, which has the word ‘sure’ in it,” and of course “She shouldn’t have tried crossing the street at the designated crosswalk if she didn’t want to get hit by my car.” Additionally, the WSAC will reportedly offer free tutoring and feedback on their essays. Furthermore, the University Counseling Center (UCC) has begun hosting monthly group therapy sessions so that they can “try to get past the traumatic experiences they inflicted onto others.”
When questioned about the sudden unveiling of these new services, several members of both the WSAC and the (UCC) said that “This is really the only way for us to get funding nowadays — [The University] tends to forget programs like these exist since they really don’t care about the humanities or student welfare nearly as much as they do about paying off the legal fees for all of the frat guys’ court cases.”
