I don’t like books about second chances. Why should someone be given another chance when they screw up? Why do people plead for forgiveness and then screw up again anyway? This is especially perplexing in plots where the characters screw up so badly that you’re baffled as to how they get another second chance at all. Stories like this frustrate and annoy me to no end. Why do they deserve a second chance? Yet, despite myself, I give out second chances like free candy — again, again, and again.
I’m a forgiving person at heart. Whether little mistakes or larger errors, I slap on a smile and say, “It’s fine!” and get on with my day, no matter how these incidents might make me feel.
Second chances don’t just apply to big “screw-ups” like cheating on your partner or talking outrageous crap about your “best friend” behind their back. Second chances also apply to the little things — like forgetting a lunch meet-up or breaking a small promise. Second chances are given after an act of betrayal, and betrayal can come in any form.
Small acts of betrayal can become something larger. If multiple “I forgot we had plans” and “Wait sorry, I already made plans with someone, maybe next time!” are all jumbled together, it becomes this sort of unbearable sensation that they don’t care or that you don’t matter enough to them.
So what do we do? How do we respond to such betrayals? Maybe we confront them, or maybe we pull away. Of course, it’s more direct to do the former rather than the latter, and confrontation can help you understand someone’s actions more directly, but it isn’t the only way.
When I pull back from a conflict, I try to understand what happened from both perspectives. I might get coffee with them, watching how they act and interact with their surroundings and the people around us. Or I might find a mutual friend and corroborate our interactions. Ultimately, I try to piece together the reasoning, try to empathize, and figure out why it happened the way it did — often to the point of overthinking everything.
Understanding the reasonings behind the actions of the other party, even if in your view they’re horrifyingly wrong, is an important part of any relationship. Empathizing gives you a glimpse into someone’s character, their values, and what makes them who they are. And sometimes, screw-ups are caused by valid reasons. Friendships and relationships are important aspects of living, and if giving second chances to the right people allows something special to be savored, it’s worth it.
Whether these are second chances given in friendships or relationships, they all come with a small caveat — a sort of weight to be carried around. Inevitably, I find myself waiting for the moment they’ll screw it up all over again. Mistrust doesn’t just disappear overnight, so we have to take a gamble: Will they keep the promise this time?
Even though taking the gamble may be daunting, it’s also necessary. Giving someone a second chance lets you learn so much more about them — their reaction to social conflicts, their thoughts, and their beliefs.
Empathy is something our society generally lacks, and second chances give us rare opportunities to practice it. I might forgive, but I don’t forget. I can still empathize and believe that a person has layers. And every time they screw up, one of their layers is peeled away until you finally see who they truly are.
