Aries (March 21-April 19) – Allow me to tell you a story about Deuteronomy. When Deuteronomy was a little boy, he was best friends with Mrs. Clause. Mr. Clause, better known as Santa, was angry with Mrs. Clause. Deuteronomy was able to rectify the situation with a little Tequila. Moral of the story – Tequila saved Christmas, so this week, save Tequila.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Invest in Pooper-Scooper stock and commodities. Everybody poops, therefore everybody needs a scoop. The logic may be flawed but the message is clear, donate to your favorite charity.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Do you like wool? Well, sheep enjoy wool, but on their back. So, if you want to wear wool, make sure you are also wearing a sheep. Make love, not war.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Guy number 1, I like to dance, fancy feet moves put you in a trance. Dance all over campus this week to support CHS – chronic hemorrhoid syndrome. If you have balls, scratch them.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Have you seen my stapler?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Christmas trees are on sale because Christmas has just recently passed. But the good thing about all holidays is that they always come back for seconds the following year. So wrap yourself in a blueberry pancake and dip yourself in batter. This week is going to rock.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – So, you like to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, but you’re not sure if there will be enough time? So slow down and enjoy the moments that go by, they are some of the best.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Take a deep breath and enjoy the fresh air. Fresh air will calm you down. If you’re stressed, don’t worry. Nothing is ever as intimidating as it seems.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -Don’t forget your Chapstick. Not having Chapstick on a day when you really need it can undo a week of work at that critical point. Planning ahead will pay off, stay on top of your game.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Get out of the house, go skiing, go running, or just hug a stranger.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Solve the rubix cube.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You can do it, don’t fret. If pigs could fly, they’d be birds. I guess that means that if birds could oink, they’d be pigs. Looks can be deceiving so don’t buy into everything you see.
(If you actually believe this, then you actually believe that the reason lindsay lohan was showering and having her morning teas at bryan adams house is because they are just friends.)
