Aries (March 21-April 19) – If you have trouble using a condom, just think of how your seventh grade teacher rolled one onto a banana. Of course, instead of a banana, imagine a baby carrot.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – This week, I have great news for you! I just saved a bunch of money on my food purchases by switching to theft!
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – My mother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Guess I should keep your horoscope to myself then.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Money can’t buy love. You have to barter and trade for it with expensive gifts.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – After hours of trick or treating, your room will resemble an amazing Candyland. Better stay away from the fudge.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – This week you’ll be lucky your parents always said to look both ways before crossing the street. Unfortunately, they never told you to stop if a car comes.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You’ve never enjoyed being a virgin, but you really started to regret it when you lit that candle on Halloween and three evil witches came back to life.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Isn’t it ironic that what your grandmother always said would make you blind actually took one of your girlfriend’s eyes out?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – After getting your most recent Econ test back, you will be surprised to find that Lebanon’s chief exports are not ping-pong balls and plastic cups.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You know, if everyone were as pretty as supermodels they wouldn’t be so hot. Thanks for keeping them beautiful.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – I don’t know if honesty is the best policy, but it sure beats UR’s alcohol policy.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – If your girlfriend is looking for acne medication, suggest the birth control pill. It has great side-effects like breast enlargement and contraception.
(If you actually believe this, then you think Daylight Savings is a bank.)
