Aries (March 21-April 19) – Never smoke hookah with a trumpet player. They’re usually experts at circular breathing.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – When shopping for your girlfriend, remember this: no matter how useful you think they would be, kneepads are never a good Christmas gift.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – While the freshmen are out enjoying the nice weather, singing Rochester’s praises, most upperclassmen realize that sun in November spells doom for December.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Most people ask their neighbors for a cup of sugar to finish a cake. You, however, ask for a cup of vodka to finish Jell-o shots. Ahh, college.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – I love seeing girls walk around with furry boots, leather gloves, a chinchilla jacket and rabbit fur earmuffs. It’s like going to the zoo!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You never really thought much of having sex while your pet parrot was in the room. When your parents come to visit, however, you will seriously regret it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You will decide to stop telling people you’re planning on studying abroad next semester after the 15th “studying several broads” joke you hear.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’ll be disappointed after you go to the All-American Rejects show and all you get is a lousy restraining order.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – When teaching the kindergarteners the alphabet, it was all fun and games until, of course, someone lost their I.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You like your Zipcars like you like your women: eight dollars an hour with a big trunk.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – After your friend’s witty response to your comment about spitting tobacco, you will begin to wonder who “she” is and why she would say something like that.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – After proclaiming, “Why can’t we all just get along?” during a fight on the frat quad, you will be surprised by how many reasons are brought to your attention.
