Aries (March 21-April 19) – The new Biomedical Engineering building is finally complete, which, of course, only solidifies their place at the top of the school.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – It’s a sad state when everyone is excited about the great weather because it is 40 degrees and only partly cloudy.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When talking about pet names, your girlfriend suggested Tomorrow for herself. This confused you, until you overheard someone mention that tomorrow never comes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Whoever said lying is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on obviously never sat on a dryer during the tumble cycle.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – When life hands you crap, use it as fertilizer for your cannabis plant!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When you notice the increase in price for on-campus housing, you will wrongfully expect the accommodations to be better next year.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – A pornographic deck of cards was not what your TA meant by looking over some flash cards.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You thought it was slightly unprofessional for your career counselor to say that even though you’re ugly, you look great on paper.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – While she said she sold seashells by the seashore, it was really just a front for her hooking operation.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – This week you will meet a woman whose passions are as tumultuous as the sea. Unfortunately, that is not her only quality that brings sea life to mind?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – When hosting a KY wrestling tournament, don’t use the warming kind. The Fire Marshall will cite it as a fire hazard.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – With April Fools right around the corner, you’ll need to get your pranks ready. Remember, poking holes in your roommate’s condoms isn’t funny, it’s hilarious.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe Blades of Glory will be refreshingly original.)
