Welcome readers of Life, Love… Sport (Super Bowl Motherf@*#%!!! Edition.) It’s finally Feb. 4, Super Bowl Sunday! To immortalize the occasion, I’ve decided to keep a running diary. Let the festivities begin.
5:56 p.m.: I have officially seen the worst pre-game show of all time. Cirque de Soleil did some weird interpretative dance featuring some ostriches, butterflies and various other animals more at home in Africa than Indianapolis or Chicago. I’m sure that they’re a great performance group and whatnot, but come on, the Super Bowl??? Pre-game shows should be happy, festive, full of pop stars, not circus folk. Lame!
6:02 p.m.: CBS just showed a montage of friends and families of the players talking about how they support their players. I don’t really have much to add except that Rex Grossman’s wife is a total hottie. How a mediocre player like him got a girl like her escapes me.
6:05 p.m.: Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are calling the game tonight. Phil has that weird accent that’s not quite southern yet very annoying. This is going to piss me off all night long; I can already feel it. Phil Simms also says rain won’t be a factor. Keep that in mind.
6:13 p.m.: We got our first technical difficulty! Brian Urlacher’s interview gets cut off by fireworks. This is gonna be a great game.
6:24 p.m.: It’s looking like the Bears’ lucky day. Adam Vinatieri picked tails for the toss and loses. Serves him right, traitorous bastard. Why is the kicker a captain? I demand an explanation.
6:28 p.m.: Devin Hester returns the opening kick for a TD, which is awesome, except it kind of reeks of Ohio State-Florida. I’m officially worried. Vinatieri looks bummed. Scumbag.
6:34 p.m.: Peyton Manning throws a pick. I haven’t been this happy since Shawne Merriman got busted for steroids.
6:47 p.m.: Shades of Tony Romo. Clearly the devil double-crossed Vinatieri on the way to three Super Bowl titles and caused that fumbled snap.
6:51 p.m.: Holy crap! Two fumbles in the last minute, on back to back plays, no less. I love rain in Miami.
7:02 p.m.: Peyton Manning just threw the ball away on third and seven. Either it’s his thumb or the ghost of Tom Brady that’s bothering him. Personally, I hope it’s Brady messing with his head by telling him “yo momma” jokes over his headset. That would be fun.
7:04 p.m.: This is ridiculous. I’ve just seen four turnovers in the first quarter. It’s possibly the worst ball protection in a clutch situation since that time the Raiders forgot to wear cups to games last year.
7:21 p.m.: The Bears have a guy named Danieal Manning playing defense. I suddenly feel a lot less confident that the Bears can pull this game out.
7:27 p.m.: Newsflash everyone! Both Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are black. Now back to the game.
7:50 p.m.: I hate rain in Miami. Two fumbles on consecutive plays. Kill me now. Sorry about not updating in the last 30 minutes, the game really sucks.
7:56 p.m.: Vinatieri missed a field goal. I started to do a little jig on the couch. I feel so good about myself. 16-14 Indy at the half.
8:20 p.m.: Prince might just be the most feminine rock star that I have ever seen. To make matters worse, no wardrobe malfunction this year. Come to think of it, that’s probably a good thing. Maybe next year.
8:28 p.m.: Phil Simms can’t seem to pronounce basic words like “because” and “him.” It’s getting to be very irritating.
8:38 p.m.: Tony Dungy just challenged the “too many men on the field” rule. In a related development, IQ just dropped 10 points and I think I see the ghost of Marty Schottenheimer hovering above the field.
8:51 p.m.: Indy just won the game. Now they just have to cover the spread or Vegas will get mad.
9:07 p.m.: I have officially seen everything in life. An official just came over and overruled another official over a Harrison catch.
9:41 p.m.: Rex Grossman lost the Super Bowl all by himself. What a klutz. It’s gonna be hard for Brian “Grease-ball” Griese not to get the starting job next year.
9:59 p.m.: It’s official, Indy 29, Chicago 17. The only solace I can take from this game is that Vinatieri had a worse performance than Bill Clinton without Viagra.
10:00 p.m.: How are Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith? As black as they were three hours ago. What a surprise!
Final Fact:
Super Bowl XLI was the first to be played in rainy conditions.
Maystrovsky’s article appears weekly. Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.
