I would like to preface this piece of writing by saying that I LOVE Mel Sauce — I pinky promise I do.

Nonetheless, I am shocked and appalled and SICKENED by how readily our University spends dillions upon gabillions of hard-earned money on Mel Weekend — the weekend devoted to celebrating the smooth, slam dunking juice we call Mel Sauce. 

This isn’t any ordinary weekend — oh no, the exact opposite. 

I am a person of a very calm disposition (I haven’t been angry since I was a very small number of years old) but I am dumb, founded, and absolutely outraged by this waste of University money.


My $20,000,000 tuition is personally paying for barrels upon barrels of Mel Sauce for this weekend alone. Do we REALLY need a Mel Sauce slip and slide? How much money are we spending to get Mel Brooks to come to campus? Must we drown every Yellowjacket on campus in Mel Sauce to fulfill our mascotal dream of being represented by a mel-ojacket???

The Mel mania had already spread too far. People everywhere have fallen under the sauce’s delicious spell; they can’t even see this great travesty unfolding right before their beady little eyes.

I caught various members of the administrative team (I won’t name names, but you know who) breaking into Rocky’s and stealing the Mel Sauce stored under the counters. Upon inquiring what they were doing (asked with a lot of fear and a little bit of shaking — they had terrifying glint in their eyes), they groaned in perfect unison: “Mel Sauce is such a big part of Rochester’s tradition and culture — it’s about time it’s getting some recognition. God, I love Mel Sauce. Mel Sauce dipped in fries, sprinkled on pizza, drizzled on ice cream, straight from the container, ghuuueguhhahoaoqzphbkmnw [unintelligible noises].”

Does this sound like an event planned by people we can TRUST??? Why are we giving our money to them??? It seems as though there’s something fishy going on here…

What happened to promises of better housing??? What happened to our dreams of better food????? What happened to the hopes and dreams of our student body???

Personally, I will not go down this easily. I will stand up and fight back against smell sauce weekend. For the sake of Meliora, I beg of you to do the same.

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