It’s the season for midterms! 

However, we have reports that libraries across the country are currently experiencing a shortage of calculators for students to borrow. 

In replacement of the calculators, the libraries have begun to hand out abacuses to students, in addition to offering them practical lessons on how to use them. 

As a response to the lack of calculators, many students have gathered together in attempts to open a dark portal to another dimension, hoping that it grants them fortunes beyond their wildest dreams. 

They’ve decided to make a list of demands, many of which are focused on the present situation:

  1. We want more calculators.
  2. We want more fingers and toes to count on.
  3. We want two more brains so that we can do mental math faster.
  4. We want a silly frog in a top hat, and we want to name him Bobert.
  5. We want to pass all of our midterms.

The results of their efforts are unknown at this time, but we can only hope that they succeed in giving us all three brains, 50 fingers, a silly frog in a top hat, more calculators, and of course, a passing grade in all of our midterms.

Letter to the Editor: “I cannot condone the protests against Israel”

I truly believe that the "pro-Palestinian" protestors on the River Campus are shamelessly and remorselessly fostering antisemitism.

MERT: Don’t be afraid to call

The River Campus Medical Emergency Response Team (RC MERT) has been back in business since 2022 following their year-long pause,…

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict: A tale of historical grievances and human cost

We need to address the ongoing crisis affecting the Palestinian people and advocate for the protection of their rights and dignity.