Imagine you’re a freshman (I know, gross). You’re so excited! You’ll make so many friends in college! Everyone will like you! Then you arrive at school, Welcome Week starts, and you haven’t had a single conversation with anyone (unless ordering food from a dining hall worker counts as a conversation).

But don’t worry! This article is just for you! Here’s a list of some foolproof methods to befriend others as an introvert.

  1. Find one of those people who are into astrology or MBTI. Tell them that your personality type or zodiac sign would get along really well with theirs, therefore you should be friends. Lie as necessary.
  2. When in class, find and lock down another introvert. There should be one. Then stare them down (this subconsciously transmits your desire to befriend them) until they feel like they should interact with you.
  3. Compile a complete list of every person in your class year and their contact information through the Student Directory. Try to find additional information on every person on your list through any means possible, whether it’s through observation or by searching the Internet for several hours (it’s not stalking, it’s research). Afterwards, analyze your data and mathematically determine how much chemistry you would have with each person. Make sure to consider personality and common interests. Once you’re done, approach and befriend them as per your calculations. Mission accomplished.
  4. Walk up to someone, get on your knees, and shout, “PLEASE BE MY FRIEND!!!” Bonus points if you start hysterically sobbing. Believe me, they will be charmed.
  5. Hire a professional actor and disguise them in your image. Then have them come to school as your döppelganger for a short period of time, where they will make friends in your stead. When you return to school, there will be plenty of friends waiting for you. 
  6. Wait for an extrovert to adopt you. This is the most risky method of friend-making, since extroverts might not know that you exist, but miracles can happen. For example, you could sit alone in a dining hall and hope for another freshman to pity you. This method takes both luck and time to succeed, so make this your last resort. 

Or you could befriend people the “normal” way by “talking.” But let’s face it, that takes too much effort.

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