Greetings, Rochester College.
This is a message from David Byrne, acclaimed singer-songwriter and former frontman of pioneering new wave band Talking Heads. 92.2% of all Americans aged 18 and up have now been vaccinated against COVID-19, a figure which includes 100% of current students here at Rochester College (my favorite of all colleges). As a result, it is with great pleasure that I announce that you are all my thralls.
You see, many moons ago, I conspired with my good friend The Government in a mutually beneficial scheme to boost my album sales. Per the agreement, I would write, record, and perform a gesamtkunstwerk titled “American Utopia” in order to boost Americans’ faith in The Government. In return, The Government would insert a clause in the fine print of the COVID-19 vaccine consent form transferring ownership of the signee’s soul to yours truly, David Byrne, whereupon I would use my newfound power to force the American people to listen to my music. I will leave the implications of “American Utopia” being released two years pre-pandemic to the readers.
Soon, in any case, there will be no more Ed Sheeran. Soon, Beliebers around the globe will feel a sudden, profound sense of loss, and on some alien planet in the distant regions of space, Elvis Presley’s extraterrestrial friends will watch in abject horror as he disintegrates before their eyes. Amateur guitarists will strum the first few chords of “Wonderwall,” only to hear their instruments produce my own personal masterpiece, “This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody).”
Do not let these revelations trouble you, however. In the end, humanity will live not in fear, but in joy. The elimination of lesser music will bring about a true American utopia — and indeed, a utopia across the globe.
Okay, maybe they can live in fear too. I’m not picky.
You can check out the URTV feature “I Sold My Soul to David Byrne, And You Probably Did Too” on their YouTube channel WRUR-TV.