Mars Wrigley, manufacturer of M&Ms (and the younger brother of the baseball field) has officially pulled their titular mascots from promotional material for the indefinite future. If you’re just as sad as Tucker Carlson about the spokescandies’ swift departure, you can do one of two things: post hateful comments about fictional candy-coated characters on Twitter Dot Com, or just go on DeviantArt.
For you second choice-choosing sad-sack sickos, here are some of the best characters to fantasize about now that you’ll be bereft of beholding the buxom, sensibly-footweared Ms. Sneakered Green M&M in the next Super Bowl ad section:
- Chester the Cheetah (from Cheetos). Who doesn’t love a cool cat? Whether he’s flamin’ hot or icy cold, he’s got a swagger that can’t be beat. Those sunglasses of his might not be the only thing coming off.
- The Quaker (from Quaker Oats). Come on, he DEFINITELY would have supported a faster manumission of slaves than the New York State law passed in 1799. Emancipate me from my clothes, savory thing.
- Lucky the Leprechaun (from Lucky Charms). Number one: short king. Number two: some people definitely have a thing for the Irish accent, right? Number three: you don’t know what he’ll do with that scarf. However, most of all, the innuendo of “it’s magically delicious?” Cannot be beat. I’d eat those tasty red balloons any time.
- The guys from the Reese’s Puffs rap. Not only is a threesome something new and funky and fresh, but you could bump the Misery x CPR x Reese’s Puffs mashup while you bump uglies. When they combine, they make the morning time epic.
- Tony the Tiger (from Frosted Flakes). We already have a big cat on here, but why not have an even bigger cat? Of the two, Tony’s the bear and Chester’s the twink (non-derogatory, and quite enthusiastically, in fact). Different kitties for different tastes — quite literally.
- Maya Rudolph. She’s not a cartoon character, sure, but she’s replacing the spokescandies anyway. Why not just salivate over her exactly the way we did with these sweet treats? There’s no way that’s creepy to do to a real human person, right? Right?