As Mangelsdorf peered over the derelict student body, a wave of disappointment washed over her. Spooky season is no more, leaving a power vacuum which only stress and seasonal depression could fill. Students were simply dragging themselves through the days, not enjoying all Rochester has to offer, from the bipolar weather to the strictly mediocre dining. Something had to be done. Something in equal parts immediate and cheap. 

After a brief meeting with the environmental sustainability club, the faculty swiftly ignored their pleas, pushing on with their half assed plan with absolutely no second thought, as usual. 

Coordinating with facilities, Mangelsdorf amassed materials from farms all over the greater Brighton area. On the third Sunday of November, she opened the floodgates, quoting Howard Garnish in 1925 with the proclamation, “Go you yellow jackets!” 

With a flash of yellow and black across the sky and a deafening buzz, which could be heard from Riverview to Southside, the swarm of bees was released. Eastman Quad was soon enveloped, forcing everyone into the perceived safety of the tunnel system, via Morey, Lattimore, Dewey, and even Bausch & Lomb. Unfortunately for all, the tunnels are ventilated, allowing for the flow of fresh air — and apparently small insects — into the subterranean after just a few short minutes. 

Chaos was the only thing uniting the student body, due to the ratio of five mascots per student. The insects, despite their miniscule size, were quite speedy and efficient predators. They moved in packs, resembling clouds of yellow pain. Their intent: to drive students into buildings, away from campus center, and just generally insane. A few students of the aquatic persuasion even took solace in the mighty Genesee, where no bug dared to venture. It’s a shame, really, given the strong current and bone-chilling temperatures. Hopefully they could take inspiration from the streamline beaver before it was too late. 

It was no more than 24 minutes into the disaster before the bees found Starbucks. If you are not familiar with the franchise, they are a corporate chain which pedals sugar water to children operating under the false pretense of selling coffee to adults. 

“Buzz buzz!” said the busy bees, as they made their way to the home of the grande strawberry açaí refresher with light ice. Fueled by only the finest cane sugar, the swarm went into overdrive. 

Greed soon took over, as the bees spread out to capture every square inch of campus. On any other day of the week, this would bee more bearable. But this was Sunday, which means the weekly display of our D3 football strength! Dearest Rocky saw the impending threat and sprung into action. The bees recognized Rocky’s superior stature and bowed down to their six-legged overlord. They obeyed the commands of the plushy and jovial insect, swiftly buzzing back into their respective bee boxes.

At long last, the onslaught was over, leaving only a slightly above average annoyance of the student body at the administrative staff. 

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Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

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