Intro to Home Economics

“I’ll tell you what: I’m never eating at Benihana again, I don’t care who’s birthday it is.”

– Jordan Belfort,“The Wolf of Wall Street”

Course Objective:

This is a fast-paced introductory course into the field of home economics. I’m expecting most of you to fail. My expectations are high and the pass rate is low. As you all know, only the A-list deserve to be business majors. If you wish to enter an elite, intelligent, and hardworking class, you’ll have to prove you’re up to the task. There will come a point where you’re so exhausted from putting all your effort into achieving your dream of becoming an expensive NFT owner that you feel like quitting. Draw inspiration from those who have gone before you and succeeded, like Boss Baby. As I like to say, and feel free to quote me on this: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, -Wayne Gretzky, Michael Scott.”

Note: AP credit is not accepted (only losers will understand).

Note: Don’t ask me about zoomin. We die like men.

Course Schedule

Week 1: Cooking – Students will learn how to crack open an egg and use an oven. 

Week 2: Laundry – Students will learn how to take the dryer lint out of the dryer.

Week 3: Children – Students will keep a practice baby safe for one week.

Week 4: Sewing – Students will tie a knot.

The rest of the weeks will be a guided discussion of the movie “The Wolf of Wall Street”.

Required Texts:

“Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert

“Little House on the Prairie” by Laura Ingalls Wilder

“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” by Michelle Alexander and Jeannie Long

Guest lecturers:

Ina Garten

Marie Kondo


Office hours: Saturdays at 3 a.m. (grind time)

TA: His name is Robert or Frederick, or something uptight. I never met this man in my life, and he cannot and will not help you.

Academic honesty policy:

I abide by the college’s rules of academic honesty, no cheating on exams. However, if you do need to commit an act of sabotage, let me think about it. Hold on… let me just think about it. Say for example, your best buddy left his “practice baby” outside. If you throw it across the street discreetly and a car runs over it, it’s debatable as to whether or not that was even your fault. You know what? Sabotaging others gives you a lot of skills for business and the real world. For example, in the movie “The Social Network,” our hero Mark Zuckerberg dilutes his best friend’s stocks and becomes the youngest billionaire in the world. This all goes to show that you’ll never get on by being nice. Nice guys finish last.

Grading Scheme:

If you come whining to me about wanting a grade increase because you’re 0.00001% away, I will kick you in the face and then drop your grade by 20%. You will not even be able to register the grade drop because you would have been kicked very hard in the face. I practice my kicks every day. “I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich.” – “The Wolf of Wall Street”.

Extra Credit Policy:

There is one situation in which you can earn extra credit. In 2009, I lost my son at Six Flags. If you happen to find him, I will give you a 5% grade increase. If his mother comes with him, you will fail the class.

Behaviors that result in an automatic fail:

Mentioning the word “girlboss”.

Quotes from previous students:

“Failed this class because I forgot to take the pans out of the oven before I preheated it.” – Jeff Bezos.

“This class was the reason I dropped out of Harvard.” – Bill Gates.

“Because of this class, I ended up switching to an easier path.” – Anthony Fauci.

Tagged: business majors

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