In recent years, scholars have declared social media to be a panopticon. True anonymity is no longer achievable in the digital age. Thus, to share our innermost thoughts without indulging the prying eyes of future employers, drunk exes, and younger siblings (who need to stop making fake accounts just to follow my finsta, Julia), anonymous confessional accounts rose to prominence. These Instagram profiles provided UR’s masses with an outlet to share their darkest thoughts, pettiest pet peeves, and… whatever the first-year class is up to. UR confessional pages have, unsurprisingly, become part of our school culture in the way that only chaotic, irresponsible, student-run programs can. But, if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that nothing is holy and we can’t have nice things.
A recent leak within UR admin’s “student affairs” department reveals that, for the past few weeks, UR admin has been operating under the confessional Instagram account Tell_Me_UR_Secrets. Purportedly, more than 600 confessions have been submitted to the account. According to the department leak, 143 of these confessions are from a single student thirsting over UR mascot Rocky the Yellowjacket. But all of them were intended to be read by students and students only. Admin has, in an act of treachery, turned what once was most sacred to us into a wicked weapon.
To be honest, I’m surprised no one noticed Tell_Me was a plant sooner. The “anonymous” form requires the entry of a student ID number and directly asks for academic honesty violations. According to the leak, this account has already led to four warnings and two permanent notes on students’ academic records.
However, despite the account’s “success,” UR admin has decided to permanently suspend the Instagram account, citing “continuous psychological harm” to the interns tasked with combing through all the messages. In a transcript of a recent board meeting, one intern said “They [the confessions] never stop coming… These students, they’re feral. They won’t stop complaining about the internet, one won’t stop thirsting over his math TA, and I think one is planning to impersonate a dining hall worker to steal the Danforth ice cream machine. I’m not even sure who to report that to. And then there’s the Rocky kid…”
In the weeks since the start of the account, at least seven interns have checked into UHS counseling and three have taken “indefinite time off” from the UR admin team. Admin’s decision to suspend the account seems to be for the best; like Schrödinger’s cat, some things are best left unobserved.