It may be hard for some of you to remember, but once upon a time, students could walk into Connections, order a soup, and eat it with their friends at a table in the cafe… maskless. These Connections soups were my life, my blood. And as a soup connoisseur, I looked forward to testing each recipe. My favorite soup of all was the cream of tomato with chicken and orzo — nothing could beat it, and it was only served on Wednesdays, almost always selling out before noon. There have been times I skipped class for that soup. I’ve cried over that soup. Laughed and loved over that soup. Even the worst day would be brightened by just a meager spoonful.
Now that all my classes are conducted virtually, however, I am never on campus. Despite the desperate callings of my Polish-Peasant ancestry for sweet, sweet sustenance, I just can’t justify making the trip alllll the way to Rush Rhees from Southside and back. It’s not that I don’t have time: I have plenty, but I am simply too lazy. So lazy, in fact, that I have resorted to bullying members of WRUR to pick up a soup and leave it in a sweaty plastic bag labeled “do not consume” in the station for 6 hours until I show up for my show that evening. I even schedule my WEEKLY coronavirus test (so-called random testing can suck my anus — how is it possible to get randomly called in every single week) around when the soup will be available.
Unfortunately, one of two scenarios usually happens: A) the soup is already sold out or B) THEY WON’T SELL IT TO ME AT 10:45 a.m. BECAUSE IT DOESN’T OPEN UNTIL 11:00 a.m. (((((BITCH I literally SEE the soup!!! Just GIVE it to me!!!! I will LITERALLY slip you a $20 to pour it into a coffee cup with a straw. Stick that shit in a bag and give it to me through an IV drip. Dehydrate it, then smash it up real tiny, sprinkle it into a rusty spoon over a candle flame, and melt it until — do I have a problem? Should I join SAA, Soup Addicts Anonymous?)))))
“Why don’t you just get a different type of soup?” you ask? Oh, it is not that simple. To help the uncivilized brains of you soup amateurs understand, here is a definitive, truthful, and completely biased ranking of a select few Connections soups based on detailed research and my (correct) opinion.
Broken Lasagna
One of their worst options; it’s not even soup. It’s a soggy pile of limp noodle, tofu-textured cheese, borderline marinara sauce, and a single oregano leaf.
Sweet Corn Chowder
Whoever came up with this one should be fired. I swear it is 30% corn, 90% laxative. Fuck you.
Chicken Pot Pie
This is an acceptable option. Pretty standard pot pie — mostly pot, and not enough pie.
Cream of Tomato with Chicken and Orzo
God-tier. This shit SLAPS.
Fall Harvest Vegetable/Winter Vegetable
These two are very similar, and honestly quite… okay?
Any of the Chili
I get it. Chili is cool. Chili is poppin. But stop having it every single day. No one eats it all, that’s why you have so much. No one likes it. Stop it. Please.
Mac and Cheese
This might be their second worst item. I don’t know why people love it so much. It’s mushy noodles and no cheese. Were you deprived as children? Kraft is better than this. I would rather drink Velveeta while cronching conchiglie raw than eat this shit. I would —
Tomato Basil with Rice
IT’S NOT THE SAME AND YOU KNOW IT!!!
Wild Mushroom Barley
Yummy.
