Over the weekend, my friends and I shared the pleasure of viewing Zack Snyder’s long awaited re-cut of “Justice League” on HBO Max. Clocking in at four hours and two minutes, I was pretty disappointed with the film’s length. If anything, it could have used three more hours or so of footage, as Zack Snyder’s auteur-istic genius was so impressive to my friends and I that we all agreed that it deserved much more screen time.

Unfortunately, since I was nowhere near sober at the time of my viewing, I’m unable to give you any basic plot analysis or discussion of the themes of this colossally important work. However, even having had a bunch of Travis Scott brand alcoholic seltzers in my system, I can still remember the overly-edgy dialogue and 2000s level quality CGI (akin to another masterpiece, “Shrek”) that elevated “Zack Snyder’s Justice League” to a level of viewing entertainment and hilarity that I have not encountered in a long time.

“Zack Snyder’s Justice League” is a movie everyone and their mother should watch, but they should not be alone, and most importantly, they should not be sober. If you watch this film in one sitting, and in conditions other than these, your brain will surely melt from its sheer genius.

If I could compare the feeling of spending four hours of my life watching “Zack Snyder’s Justice League” to anything else, it would be finishing a long and grueling hike on a hot summer day, while also being dangerously dehydrated. You realize you’ve fucked up coming this far without drinking water, but the irreversible damage you’ve done to your body and mind is only a part of the ride. This made watching “Zack Snyder’s Justice League” such a rewarding experience.

The brain-cell destroying amount of death, seriousness, and explosions in a movie about weirdos running around in long underwear punching each-other is really what made watching this film such a fantastic time. Another great addition to the film is its portrayal of our favorite speedy motherfucker, The Flash.

As any creative creator would do, Zack Snyder delegates 99% of the film’s comedic relief to a single character, making him likeable, and totally not annoying and grating to your soul at all. The Flash is also the main target of another aspect of what makes “Zack Snyder’s Justice League” so rewarding — its use of slow motion.

When I found out 10% of the film was in slow motion, I thought to myself, “Come on Zack, what the fuck? Why not make an hour of it in slow motion?”

From fetishizing Aquaman’s fantastic abs to emphasizing key moments in a plot everyone definitely cared about, the slow motion of “Justice League” was key to its being a great film. For that reason, the viewing public deserved a lot more slow motion. 24 minutes of its run time is in slow motion, so why not make it 48 minutes, or even two hours worth?

Aside from this small qualm, I highly recommend “Zack Snyder’s Justice League.” Four hours and two minutes of my life are gone, as well as many of my brain cells, but the willpower and grit I gained from sitting through this film made it all worthwhile. 

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