If the University ever needed to make budget cuts, UHS is where I’d cut first and most. A close second is the introductory physics labs, about which I have nothing kind to say. But we’ll save that discussion for another day.

UHS is the bane of my existence. I shiver at the sight of it when I walk each weekend from the Residential Quad to my precious Hillside. Just seeing that useless brick and concrete establishment makes my eyes bleed. It almost makes Sue B. a bearable place to be in — roaches, rats, and all.

You might be wondering why I wouldn’t think twice to sell the entire establishment and related assets for a 6’’ tuna sub from Rocky’s. 

UHS manages to stick its grimy hands into everything and absolutely ruin it — I’m specifically referring to their “random” surveillance testing operation. Why anyone would let UHS run anything is beyond me; I wouldn’t trust them to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

I’ve spoken to students that have never been surveillance tested. They never received the urgent email that was supposed to inform them of their selection for required and random surveillance testing at the GAC, while others have been called to be tested a total of six or even seven times over the course of this school year, including testing upon arrival and departure. We’re not even halfway through the second semester. 

Once, I even received a scathing email from the University that said I’d never been tested for COVID-19 and that “Failure to have testing completed by a [certain time] could result in deactivation of your ID card.” By this point, I’d already had multiple tests on file with the University, one of them taken the day before I received that email. 

Let me clarify: I am all for student testing, and I’m aware that UHS has been able to test more students this semester, after adopting the Rapid Antigen Testing kits. I’m all about the Dr. Chatbot business and the rewards. I’m a big supporter of testing students upon arrival to campus and testing them again before they leave. I’m also a huge proponent of surveillance testing in general, but it really should be implemented more effectively and with more behind-the-scenes organization. It shouldn’t be that some students are never tested while others are repeatedly tested, to the point of excess. At the end of the day, I have classes to attend, assignments to work on, and a job to go to. I don’t need UHS derailing my schedule and “randomly” calling upon me, the same student, every time they need to meet their student testing quota. 

UHS had been the butt of plenty of jokes and complaints by students even before the COVID-19 pandemic started. And now, as a result of their complete inability to handle testing during this global emergency, I think it’s time that we carefully re-evaluate UHS’s usefulness, necessity, and contributions to the student body. My stance is pretty clear: We need to have a more efficient and more organized surveillance strategy. 

For the UHS loyalists — who are far and few between — next time you wake up with a sore throat or a painful migraine, make the most out of your next stroll to the desolate wasteland that is the First-Year Hill. After you walk through UHS’s gleaming silver doors and sit in that bland waiting room, savor the Dum-Dum the nurse gives you to ease you of your ailments. 

Suck on that root beer-flavored, linty Dum-Dum lolly. If you’re good, you might get a pat on the head. If you’re extra special, they might give you a follow-up gumdrop or a broken candy cane that expired a year ago. Suck on it while you look at your next bill from the University and see if it makes you feel ever better. 

Tagged: COVID-19 UHS

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