According to recent posts in an online forum, liberals on campus are planning to cancel our beloved mascot, Rocky the Yellowjacket. The reason for this is that Rocky’s a WASP: White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, and therefore he doesn’t truly represent all of the voices and people on campus.

I didn’t care too much about Rocky before, but now I’m his biggest champion. I mean, this is just unacceptable. This news comes in the wake of two more cancelations this past week. First Dr. Seuss, next MISTER Potato Head… what’s next? The Washington Redskins? With all these victims of cancel culture, it feels like we’re going to have to start reading them off at the end of each day like the fallen tributes in the Hunger Games.

Rocky is a valuable, hardworking member of the community, as proven by his business endeavor on campus Rocky’s Sub Shop (and, posthumously until the libs get over this whole virus thing, Lounge). Rocky’s is the only way to obtain chips with just a swipe, which is great for the economy. He also shows up to every sports game and even did an ad campaign for the school to fight the College Collapse Disaster that was COVID-19.

The libs want to see URBee, a “less polarizing” and “PC enough to appeal to CS majors” mascot, come back into play. 

There’s a reason why we got rid of the bee: he’s too cuddly. Some other students suggested bringing sqURm back, but he, too, represents a school of hippies who’d rather sing kumbaya. . When our football team takes the field, we want our opponents to be quaking in their boots at the sight of Rocky- well, maybe not our football team. However, when our squash team takes the field? We want our opponents to be running for their lives in fear of The Sting. 

Rocky is proud. Rocky is strong. Rocky is a fighter. Rocky climbed the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum. (Wait, that wasn’t our Rocky? The whole “float like a wasp, sting like a wasp” thing wasn’t us?)

Ultimately, just because Rocky is a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant doesn’t mean that he can’t learn about other cultures. I hear that he’s picking up a GSWS cluster and he even helped students attend the BLM protests last fall. He’s really turning over a new wing from when he insulted that basketball referee, who definitely should have caught that foul.

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