The record of most club rejections, a prestigious title passed down through University students, has recently been broken. 

The title has passed hands several times since the school’s founding. Two notable pioneers were Gertrude Thomas and Barry Rodriguez. Thomas, a female student, was rejected by 35 clubs in 1901, likely due to misogyny.  

In 1995, Rodriguez smashed the record with 328 rejections, but he never graduated, and his records are still disputed due to his usage of performance enhancing drugs: He was as high as the Aviation club and greener than the Grassroots club during almost every general interest meeting. This resulted in his improperly filling out most club forms, which causes an automatic rejection. 

As of this semester, a Rochester junior has successfully been rejected from all 359 clubs and organizations on campus. Chad Spike, who wished to remain anomalous, spent three years getting kicked out, turned away, and barred entry from literally every organization on campus. 

As a first-year, Spike decided to try his hand at sports, so he attended tryouts for all of them. He was rejected from around half of the teams when they found out that he was a man, and he was let loose from almost every other sport because he had no athletic ability whatsoever. Spike did technically qualify for Quidditch, who will take anybody, but he was driven out of the first practice for saying that his favorite Harry Potter character was Peter Pettigrew.  

He was rejected by the Muslim Students’ Association because he wasn’t Muslim.  He was rejected from Hillel and Chabad because he got baptized to try and join the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. He was rejected from the Fellowship of Christian Athletes for not being on any of the sports teams. He was rejected from UR Student Gaming Association for saying his favorite game was the stock market, but got rejected from the Quantitative Finance Collective for saying that cryptocurrencies are the future, and was rejected from Meliora Blockchain for saying that in two years, this whole internet fad will be over.

Spike was rejected from College Democrats for applying to College Republicans in the same semester, he was rejected from College Republicans for applying to College Feminists in the same semester, and he was rejected from College Feminists because word got out that he had applied to all of the women’s teams as a man. 

He got rejected from every sorority because, well, he’s a guy, and he got rejected from every fraternity after asking them to give him a written form of the pledge for his lawyer.

When asked to speak on his impressive rejection history, Spike expressed shock that he’d exhausted the list. said: “Wait, there are no more clubs? None? I’ve been rejected from all of them? How? Why won’t anyone love me?”

Some first-years are already talking about trying to break the record by starting their own clubs just to eject themselves, but 359 is a hard number to beat.

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