Look, I get it. Everyone’s been there at some point. Single on Valentine’s Day. You’re probably sitting in your dorm playing solitaire, eating Kraft singles, singing the latest hit singles. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean that you can’t love the day of love, so here are 10 tips to enjoy Valentine’s day solo.
Tip # 1: Love is in the air, but also in the food. Why not stop by Douglass for some pink food? I hear that Danforth is… oh wait, it isn’t open.
Tip # 2: If you’re Christian, you can go to church and listen to everybody argue about Saint Valentine. Did you know that he is the patron saint of epilepsy?
Tip # 3: Go to bed early. Who says you have to stay up very late looking — but not liking — Instagram posts from your friends in relationships? Treat Valentine’s Day as a day of rest and get up bright and early for Monday morning classes.
Tip # 4: Try Tinder, Grindr, or Bumble. You certainly aren’t the only desperate one, and last minute “dates” still count.
Tip # 5: Buy yourself something nice. It won’t get rid of the pain, but at least it’ll contribute to the GDP!
Tip # 6: Turn off the lights in your dorm, turn your phone flashlight on, and make shadow puppets about what you wish you were doing on Valentine’s Day. Try to keep it PG-13, although it is hard to do a shadow puppet of two people sharing a milkshake. It’s not weird if I read online that other people do it, right?
Tip # 7: Take some unused clean clothes and lump them together into a vaguely humanoid shape to cuddle with. You can be comfortable in your own room, and experience the terrifying possibility of wearing your partner at the same time.
Tip # 8: Stop by the Stacks and try to get lucky. I hear there’s a study group for “anatomy” planned for later tonight.”
Tip # 9: Acquire a mannequin and delicately sever its arm. This is a fun way to remind yourself what it’s like to hold someone’s hand. Maybe if you wish hard enough, it will become a real hand like Pinnochio.
Tip # 10: Take this national day of love as a day to learn to love yourself. Look up some inspirational videos. Think about all of your best qualities. If playing with others isn’t in the cards today, why not play with you? Get yourself some pulled pork or finger-licking good food and have fun. Can life be a jerk? On and off; hope comes and goes. However, there’s one simple solution: master jubilation on your own.