To the Editor,
I am writing to you to express my fear about the past election. I’ve been hearing so much about voter fraud online and on TV, and it makes me think that the Illuminati or the Jews or someone have organized to steal this election. As an avid consumer of social media posts from Russian-sounding users, I know for a fact that American elections are not secure, and something needs to be done about it.
I’ve already taken a few steps myself to try to combat this undemocratic behavior by the underground forces that really control this nation (I’m talking to you, Hillary “Martian Moon Nazi” Clinton). Firstly, I’ve spread all the facts and research I’ve seen about this crazy voter fraud situation, like people voting twice or even more times and throwing out ballots for the candidate they didn’t like. All my Facebook friends have now been informed, except for my grandson. He’s a communist because he told me on Facebook that we should “count all the votes” or something. Does that mean count the dead people, too?! I don’t know where I went wrong with him — that kid voted for a Lizard Person.
Secondly, though, I tried to balance out all of this proven fraud myself. If the other side won’t fight fair, why on earth should I sit back and let those check-collecting, system-using libs cheat? I voted at least six times in two different states. This seemed the only logical step to prevent all that voter fraud from destroying our representative democracy. I had to balance it out.
I also decided to drive to Pittsburgh and start burning boxes of mail-in ballots. (I have some connections over at USPS because of my huge stamp collection, and I mail out at least 10 pounds of cat hair to all my grandchildren monthly so they remember what all seven of my cats look and smell like.)
Anyway, I got a hold of about 17,000 ballots, loaded them into my minivan, and blew the whole thing up. I made an insurance claim and told them I got into a fender bender and the car was totalled, so at least I won’t have to worry about paying for it. The cost of the gasoline I torched it with is technically included in the insurance claim so I come out even in cash, and I’ve saved the country.
I hope my small contribution has done something good, but I don’t think it will be enough on its own. So please, Editorial Board, publish my letter so all my fellow patriots can save this nation one vote at a time. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll move to Canada!