Hi! I’m Nix, the demon girl who lives by that super hot spot in the tunnels. Everyone thinks I’m the Devil, but they’re wrong — I’m just your everyday college demon girl who’s here to study every subject her heart desires. I write because being the only demon girl on campus is a little lonely, but I have a lot of fun experiences I want to share!
So one of the biggest things people don’t realize about demons is that we are human. I mean, obviously not homo sapiens human. Human in that we share some similarities with humans. Human in that we demons fuck up. Bad.
For example, I went home to Hell for Thanksgiving Break.
I knew I didn’t really want to head home for the holiday, but when you get a personal invitation from Satan himself, well, you don’t really get to say no to the Big Boss.
I would love to share exactly how I went to Hell and back over the weekend, but the University Counsel advised me not to for your safety.
So let me be clear: Hell is definitely NOT accessed by a secret passageway in the B level of Rush Rhees.
Literally walking into Hell on the first day of break, suitcase in hand, my expectations weren’t terribly high. Fortunately, some of my older friends were there to greet me. There’s nothing like being greeted by Virgil, Dante Alighieri, Marie Antoinette, Marie Curie, and Fred Rogers (if you only knew).
That was the only good part of my vacation. As soon as I walked into my room, there was clearly trouble afoot.
My room, which had been sparkling clean months prior, was trashed as if a tornado had gone through it. Unfortunately, it was my little sister Eris, who seems to stir up mayhem wherever she goes. She isn’t in school anymore, having graduated and gone into advertising for car insurance companies.
What I was really looking forward to was dinner. I’m a huge meat fan, so the prospect of turkey had me actually excited. But guess what was on the table when I got to dinner. It’s not a trick question. It’s stupidly obvious. Not turkey! Not even meat, in fact. Did you guess tofu? If you guessed tofu, congratulations! You win the knowledge that there’s someone down in Hell smiling up at you.
Let me be clear: Tofu has no place at a holiday table. How is a demon supposed to enjoy the holidays when meat, a staple of the demonic diet, is not present? Nothing personal, Beelzebub, but we know you’re the one who went vegan. You’re the one who cursed us with bland mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce on tofu. I have nothing against people being vegan, but when you sabotage Thanksgiving dinner, it’s not funny. I had to go get fast food from McDonald’s. (Yes, there are fast food franchises in Hell.)
You know what? I just don’t recommend taking a vacation to Hell. I spent the second half of break at one of our national parks, and it was terrible. Go to Tahiti. Go to Alaska. Go to Death Valley. Go anywhere but here. The ambience sucks. The wildlife could kill you. Your vacation will, literally, be Hell.
Of course, after spending two days in a row at Rising Phoenix NationHell Park, I had to go back to school. Unfortunately, Hell decided to close the Upstate and Western New York portals for Thanksgiving weekend maintenance, so I had to take the Hell’s Kitchen portal.
I knew I should’ve stayed longer as soon as I stepped out and discovered that the weather was primed for mass destruction. Still, I had no choice but to drive the rental car up the New York State Thruway all the way to Rochester. I know people assume that death doesn’t scare demons, but you try driving several hundred miles in near-blizzard conditions. I passed no fewer than a dozen pileups and spinouts over the course of an hour, in case you were wondering what Hell is like when it freezes over.
I made it back. Somehow. I slid into Rochester just before midnight, welcomed back by the scorching hot temperatures of my dorm room. I’m sure I’ll regret saying this, but for once, I didn’t mind.