A party at Chi Phi, reviewed

What is hell? In 1320, Dante Alighieri’s epic poem “La Divina Commedia” depicted hell as a swirling inferno, composed of nine circles of torture. The first circle was a holding pen for the unbaptized. From there down, souls were afflicted by physical manifestations of sin for all eternity.

Lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, heresy, violence, and treachery. Bodies pelted “a great storm of putrefaction,” submerged “into a black sulkiness which can find no joy in God or man or the universe,” and contorted in positions of agony until eternity’s end.

Enter Chi Phi, a non-assuming fraternity located off-campus on Genesee Street. I swore I would never review an off-campus frat, but then I moved off campus, and now it’s just a convenience thing.

The party occurred on August 27, 2018. I am unaware of the party’s theme as there were no shirtless men holding beach balls. The beach balls usually tip me off.

I rate the concept a two out of 10 because there probably was a theme, but I don’t know what it was. I will assume the aim was to welcome us students back to school. If this is the case, in the future, all I ask is for coupons for Staples. Maybe 25 percent off an item, even 10 percent would be nice. There are many pencil cases I wish I had.

I rate attendance as an eight. I really felt like a cow awaiting a heartless slaughter and, subsequently, final judgement. There were lots of gyrating first years — so many that you couldn’t even hear anyone discussing the rumor that Chi Phi spikes their punch with Rohypnol. Nice!

My friend Cody and I glided across the slick, soupy floor in search of the porch, a chance to breathe in the summer night air away from the incessant thumping of mediocre trap music, and away from the visual oppression of basketball shorts on 18-year-olds from Maryland.

But the night air was stifled, absorbed and suppressed by the heat of the densely packed porch, and we quickly went back inside where we witnessed a brief vision of love — two bros hugging. In the shadowy living room of the Chi Phi house, salvation was far, but attainable.

Atmosphere is a two because I do not like when the ground is a soup. This puts Chi Phi’s final score at a four. That sentence had both alliteration and rhyme. Welcome back to school.