I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I’m probably the least-appreciated figure in holiday lore. Sorry, where are my manners? Hi, I’m the Easter Bunny. Happy Easter. Did everyone enjoy themselves? Did you feel good about yourself for going to church for the first time this year? Super. See you again at Christmas!

I apologize if I’m coming across as bitter but another year has come and gone and once again I’ve received no recognition for my work. 2011 was a great year. The release of the movie “Hop” really boosted my popularity — until Rotten Tomatoes tore it apart.

There’s a lot that people don’t understand about me and my job. The media gets a lot wrong. Yes, it’s true that I poop jelly beans. Everyone thinks it’s cute, but it’s actually a serious medical condition.

I feel like Santa gets all the credit when I do the same work that he does and more. Yeah, I also visit every house in the world in one night. I even manage to do it without the help of any magical reindeer or slave labor — I think that’s the politically correct term for the elves now…. Though I can’t be too sure, I dipped out of politics after the Jimmy Carter rabbit incident. We don’t talk to that side of the family anymore.

Sure, I have the help of all woodland creatures, but some use they are. They don’t even have opposable thumbs! I’ll admit I have set up some sweatshops in the magical forests of the “Amazon,” but my workers are the subject of much prejudice. They are often referred to as rodents, and I’ve even found some traps set up in Jeff Bezos’s office! So, we’ve pulled out of there and are now actively searching for a rodent-friendly workspace. I’m considering the New York Subway.

The world population just keeps getting bigger. It’s hard to keep up with demand. I used to make all of the baskets myself. Now I have to outsource. Handwoven baskets? Not in this economy.

Another important part of the job is the artful layout of the basket. It takes an eye for design. Few people know that I attended the Easter Island School of Design. I have a degree. It’s hanging in my office right next to my certificate of vaccination stating that I’m 100 percent rabies-free. (Ladies, feel free to give me a call — I’ll bite.)

Recently, I’ve been struggling with how to fill the baskets. There’s undoubtedly an obesity problem that’s spreading throughout the world. I don’t want to be responsible for contributing to that — especially with my chocolate rabbits, something I already have an issue with. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with children debating worldwide which part of me is more delectable to start with — my ears or my ass. Lady bunnies, on the other hand….

I mean, I understand why I can’t give them carrots. Think about how disappointing it would be to come downstairs to find a basket of raw, dirty vegetables on the kitchen table. When I was a kid we had to walk uphill both ways to get those vegetables, and we didn’t even have the luxury of that newfangled “gluten” in our foods.

It’s often assumed that since I do all the basket arrangements, I do Easter egg hunts too. That is not true. It’s not that hard, people. After you leave the church and before you immediately go to brunch as an excuse to drink five mimosas in one sitting, you can take a couple minutes to throw some eggs on the lawn for your children to find. I’m busy enough as it is. Besides, the only egg hunt I’m interested in is one of a more, biological nature.

The times have changed, and I’m slowly adjusting. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are always going to be egregious misrepresentations of me. Take those bunny costumes that workers at the malls wear for pictures with “The Easter Bunny,” for example. Those are pretty insulting. My tail is not that small. Anyways, it’s not the size of the tail that matters, it’s how you use it.

Recently, environmental and animal activists have been up my tail about some of my production practices. In particular, Peeps’ factory farming is coming under a lot of fire. It’s surprising because Peeps are actually inanimate objects, but young people today, they just want to have a cause.


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Summer vacation is no longer a vacation.