Hello, everybody! My name is Sarah Jones, and I am the host of today’s very special game show, “Guess What My Upstairs Neighbors Are Doing!”

In this segment of the show, I will provide you with various scenarios that you must put together to make sense of what the hell is going on in the lives of my upstairs neighbors.

Now, before we begin, I’m sure I know what you’re thinking—

“Is this some sort of passive aggressive way of telling your upstairs neighbors to stop being so loud and annoying?” And my answer to that is, of course not! After all, who doesn’t love getting woken up multiple times a week at 3:30 a.m. by mysterious, unrelenting sounds? Not me, that’s for sure!

Alrighty, let’s begin!

Scenario One : You and your friends are sitting out on your balcony, enjoying the fresh air, when all of a sudden a mysterious stream of liquid comes pouring down from the balcony above you, followed by some clapping and a weird sexist chant that you can’t quite make out all of the words to. Did someone just shout about a “big booty hoe?” Probably.

Scenario Two: You’re sitting in your room, peacefully enjoying a nice bowl of Cheerios, when all of a sudden you hear something that could literally only be the sound of someone sawing down a tree in the room above you. What do you make of this?

Scenario Three: It’s Monday morning, you’re up and ready for your 9:00 a.m., and you step out the front door right into a giant puddle of mystery liquid soaking into the carpet. Is it soup someone spilled on their way up the stairs? Is it an exploded container of hummus? Vomit? Who knows, just make sure you wipe your feet extra well on the way back into the suite!

Scenario Four: There is a trail of half-eaten chicken wings from the parking lot all the way up to their door, because apparently garbage cans are just too hard to come by these days. I mean, really, what’s up with that?

Want to know how you did? I know I sure would. However, the world may never know, as any attempt to knock on the door to find out what’s actually going on up there is met by an initial abrupt silence, some whispers, and finally some skittering and rustling in a sad attempt to pretend no one is home. Very clever, you guys!

Alrighty, that’s all I have for today folks! Be sure to tune in next week for, “What’s That Smell in the Laundry Room?”

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