• Choose a hat.
    1. Fedora
    2. Does bedhead count?
    3. Pussy hat
    4. Red baseball cap
  • Choose a drink
    1. Champagne for guests, Franzia when I’m alone
    2. 32 ounces of Mountain Dew
    3. Fresh, warm milk
    4. Vodka
  • What is your spirit animal?
    1. Leech
    2. Sloth
    3. Tadpole
    4. Snake
  • Where do you usually go on vacation?
    1. Las Vegas
    2. The backyard
    3. Oh, varies
    4. Mar-a-Lago
  • How would your friends describe you?
    1. “A great guy”
    2. Calm and collected
    3. Immature
    4. Tremendous
  • Where do you take someone on a first date?
    1. Olive Garden is a quality establishment
    2. Netflix and chill, maybe order a pizza
    3. If it’s serious? Chuck E. Cheese’s
    4. Does that time in the closet count?
  • What celebrity would you want to eat dinner with?
    1. Christopher Columbus
    2. William Howard Taft
    3. Beyoncé’s twins
    4. Ivanka Trump
  • What is the meaning of life?
    1. Make connections with as many people as possible in the hopes of one day exploiting them for your own benefit
    2. Don’t worry, be happy
    3. Take as many nutrients as you can and get out before anyone notices
    4. Trying to fill the hole where my soul once was with as money and attention
  • What do you wear to look sexy?
    1. Spanx
    2. Oversized t shirt, no pants
    3. Birthday suit
    4. An extra long tie and gloves that show off my big hands
  • How frequently do you poop?
    1. Twice a day, at 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. sharp
    2. Once a week, tops
    3. I have never pooped in my life
    4. In an unending stream, usually out of my mouth
  • What is your preferred method of contraception?
    1. I keep a Magnum in my wallet and free UHS condoms in my room
    2. Fall asleep before sex instead of after
    3. How am I supposed to know? My parents clearly couldn’t figure it out
    4. Masturbate to thoughts of my daughter instead of having sex

 

If you voted mostly 1s: Hotel shower.

You put on a good appearance, and people are always happy to meet you the first time. It’s only when they try to get to know you that they discover your fickle temper, hot-headed one minute and giving the cold shoulder the next. You aren’t the worst person they’ve ever met, but after five minutes with you they’re ready to retreat to the comfort of their own friends back home.

If you voted mostly 2s: Bath.

You appreciate a good rest. You don’t understand why people spend so much time overworking themselves and stressing themselves out when they can just crack a beer and be happy instead. Most of your friends have gotten used to the smell of your apartment, and the ones that haven’t aren’t worth being friends with anyway. A bath may not be the best way to get clean, but it’s the easiest, and you like that.

If you voted mostly 3s: Baby Shower.

You live fast and easy. Your life has gone by in a warm, pink haze. You don’t know much about the world yet, but your current pad is getting pretty cramped and you’re ready to move out and experience life. It’s time to cut the umbilical cord and move on. Life will get more complicated—there will be tears and you’ll have to get your shit together—but you’re ready and excited to move on to the next stage of your life.

If you voted mostly 4s: Golden Shower.

Your success is even bigger than your hands. (And look at them! No one’s ever seen hands so big, believe me folks.) People want to either be you or kill you. You’re rich enough that even your shower is gold. It may not be advisable, or even sanitary, but you haven’t technically broken any rules, so the media should get off your back. You don’t even know anything about Russia. (But wouldn’t it be great to be friends with them?)



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