Dear Brian,

There’s a boy in my calc class who’s SO cute, but he never seems to notice me! How can I get him to like me?

     -Edgar Yau

Hey there, Edgar! Thanks so much for writing in. I’m so happy you’re not Dan Edwards. I guess I could have kept going with his questions forever (he handed me a friggin shoebox full of them), but it wouldn’t have been pretty; after the first two, the rest all had to do with something called “claymation porn.”

So, you’re looking to snatch the eye of a fresh young hunkaroonie, eh? Well, then, I have plenty of advice for you! Keep in mind, though: All of this applies universally. Whether your quarry is babely or boyish, the fundamentals are the same.

You might think the first step in winning your crush’s heart would be, necessarily, to meet them. Not true, actually! The first step is research. We’ve all left our slimy slug-trails on this great big web we call the World Wide one. Whether it was on Facebook, Twitter, or your favorite Wallace and Gromit Rule 34 thread, we’ve all peppered the Internet with posts. These nuggets of selfdom are delicious morsels for any hungry lover. By constructing a cyber-facsimile of your crush’s identity beforehand, you’ll be way more prepared for a healthy, natural dialogue when you actually meet them!

“Of course,” you might say, “this all makes sense, but how do I actually go about introducing myself? By the way, Brian, your big handsome muscles are extremely strong.” Well, thank you, but I was getting there.

The key to a sly approach is a good opening line. Something that feels natural and lets that special someone know what you’re all about. For instance, I might hold my head and go for something like this:  “Ow ow ow! My head hurts so much from all these extremely good opinions I’m having. I hope the pain doesn’t distract me while I’m driving my very expensive and fast car later today with sunglasses on. By the way, what is your cup size?” Do you see how I made it about her at the end? It’s always important to ask questions.

Once you’ve employed your killer line, the first date will come naturally. You should take them somewhere fancy, like a graveyard. Show them you’re a sensitive intellectual by starting a conversation on some deep topic, like gamers’ rights or reverse racism. If they try to change the subject, keep in mind that this is just a test of your resolve. Stick to your guns; they’ll respect you for it. And, above all, remember the three C’s of conversation: Charisma, Cussing, and Criticism.

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got for you, Edgar. I hope it helps you win the heart of your QT. If anyone else would like to submit a question, feel free to send it to me at

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