“MUST. DESTROY,” George Eastman’s statute bellowed as he awoke from his 84-year slumber.

Wandering off to the statue of Ed Hajim ’58, still intact and unmoving, an angry Eastman knocked it down, stating, “I REAL DONOR. YOU JUST COPY.” The Eastman statue then went off to destroy all the other statues at the school, presumably for not donating nearly as much as him, but still getting a statue dedicated.

Upon ending his triumphant return to life at the University by smashing everything he saw, Eastman then decided to go over to the Fraternity Quad to see how much the beer had changed since he had last been there.

Shoving other students out of the way to get to the entrance of one frat house, Eastman shouted simply, “LET. IN.”

“Sorry, man,” a fraternity brother stationed at the entrance said. “You got to wait outside like everyone else. Maybe you’d have better luck if you’d brought Mrs. Eastman or something.”

But Eastman was having none of this. Pounding his chest, Eastman picked up the brother, carried him all the way over to the Genesee River, and threw him in, roaring, “I DONATE. YOU MOVE.”

When other students angrily called Public Safety on the menacing statue for destruction of property and posing a threat to other students, an officer asked, “Was he drinking?” After the students replied that he was not, the officer stated, “Sorry, but there’s nothing we can really do.”

Continuing on his violent rampage, the Eastman statue turned over cars, broke water fountains, and smashed computers, yelling, “WHY SO HOT? WHY WEATHER DIFFERENT?”

But as the night came to an end and the sun rose over the cowering, frightened UR students, the statue turned to take one last look at the grand Rush Rhees library, a tear slowly forming in his eye.

“WILL MEET AGAIN,” he said. And, once more, the cold, brown statue returned to its frozen state, ready to awaken years later.

Time unfortunately still a circle

Ever since the invention of the wheel, humanity’s been blessed with one terrible curse: the realization that all things are, in fact, cyclical.

UR Womens’ Lacrosse trounces Nazareth 17-5

UR’s Womens’ Lacrosse team beat Nazareth University 17–5 on Tuesday at Fauver Stadium.

Colin’s Review Rundown: Future and Metro Boomin, Lizzy McAlpine, Benson Boone, Civerous

Is it bad? Definitely not! But I found myself continually checking my phone to see how many tracks were left.