As I am sure the majority of you have heard by now, the notorious and nefarious Norovirus has invaded the River Campus this week. Symptoms of this virus include fatigue, nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting, and being a real party pooper. This news threw me for a loop. These seem like a normal afternoon’s worth of obstacles for a UR student.

Anyway, I’m pretty upset right now with the quality of communication from UHS, and, more specifically the Department of Public Safety, around this issue. How am I supposed avoid the Norovirus if I have no idea what it looks like? There are many questions that I’m sure the University community shares that demand answers. Where was the Norovirus last seen? Who was he with? Could he possibly be armed? Approximate height and weight?

Now, I’m no cop or anything, but I know we’re not getting to the bottom of this if we haven’t set out on a thorough investigation. Have we tried tapping into the potential culprit’s iPhone? Seriously, these aren’t difficult things to ask.

With this in mind, I set out on an investigation of my own to determine who this Norovirus character could be. The results are startling. After interviewing several victims currently in the heart of their symptoms, I have determined the culprit to be a six-foot-two anthropomorphic purple blob with stubby little arms and legs. Now, I know what you’re all thinking—yes, I believe this is the work of none other than McDonald’s beloved Grimace.

Now, we should obviously all keep an eye out for this depraved criminal, but we should also learn a couple of lessons from all of this. First, you can’t trust Public Safety to provide the same level of investigative work as the CT Humor staff. Second, never underestimate the seemingly simple-minded sidekicks to grown men who dress as clowns. Those guys might turn out to be pretty evil, at the end of the day.

If you happen to see Grimace the Norovirus Lunatic on campus, please call Public Safety at 585-275-3333 to report the incident. DO NOT APPROACH. Stay safe out there, readers.

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