The semester is underway and daily naps are mainstays. Your Declining is already 45 percent gone. The problem sets and readings have left you feeling as overwhelmed as a clap-on light reacting to a standing ovation.

As you were preoccupied with work, rapper B.o.B. suggested that the Earth wasn’t round. He then supported his statements with debunked theories to prove why. Take your mind off your work and forget everything you’ve ever learned. You are now ready to digest some B.o.B-isms.

  1. Earth isn’t a planet. It’s just a really, really big stress ball. I know this because I have an Earth stress ball, with images to prove it.
  2. Where does water come from? Scientists say that over an extended period of time, Earth’s atmosphere eventually cooled enough for water to form. Scientists have no idea what they’re talking about. Water comes from drinking fountains.
  3. The year is said to be divided into four seasons. Luckily, I discovered that this is false. The seasons include football season, hunting season, and the third season of Lost.
  4. Scientists try to convince people that gravity exists. If anything, scientists are bringing us down with these whack theories. How do you explain the balloon I lost to the clouds when I was five? Or a bird? Birds fly because they are light, and extremely determined.
  5. Plants don’t produce oxygen, and they don’t need it either—and here’s why. Humans and plants are both living things. Humans need oxygen to speak. Plants can’t speak. Therefore, plants don’t need oxygen. Oh, and the bit you hear about them getting their energy from the sun isn’t true. If plants get their energy from the sun, then why don’t plants have solar panels?
  6. Deforestation doesn’t happen, unless you count the occasional closing of a Dollar Tree store.
  7. Geniuses claim that evidence of alien life has yet to be found on foreign planets. Are you kidding me? Did you not see the movie Avatar? Sam Worthington met blue aliens, and somebody actually recorded the entire thing and made a documentary about it.

Israeli-Palestinian conflict reporting disclosures

The Campus Times is a club student newspaper with a small reporting staff at a small, private University. We are…

An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.

Recording shows University statement inaccurate about Gaza encampment meeting

The Campus Times obtained a recording of the April 24 meeting between Gaza solidarity encampment protesters and administrators. A look inside the discussions.