This year as an elective, I registered for fictional history—and I’ve learned a lot to say the least. Unfortunately, the class has become pretty repetitive, but I guess that’s because history repeats itself. Nevertheless, the course has covered a plethora of topics, so I thought I might share with you the knowledge that I have acquired while being enrolled in Fictional History 101.
1.The assassination of Franz Ferdinand
The assassination is credited as the spark for WWI, but Ferdinand didn’t let this stop him. Against all odds, he managed to release numerous albums with hits like, “Take Me Out” and “No You Girls.”
2. The Enlightenment
Before the Age of Enlightenment, no one had any insight into anything or any awareness of their surroundings whatsoever. People roamed around during the day aimlessly. Even worse, there was hardly any visibility once the sun set. People walked around at night and stubbed their toes on every single piece of furniture. The agony caused by darkness before the enlightenment was unimaginable.
Most notably during this time period, fire was invented—which took most people out of the dark. The question regarding who invented fire still remains up for debate, though. Up until a couple of decades ago, it was believed that Billy Joel was its inventor; however, he denied any such recognition with his tune, “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
Other questions up for debate include; which came first, the fire, or the fire department? The fossil record was set during the Enlightenment, but will the fossil record ever be broken?
3. The Bible
The Bible, the acronym for, “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth,” is widely considered to be the bestselling book of all time, so it was a surprise when they didn’t come out with a sequel. Who do we have to thank for all of these religious texts? Actually, it wasn’t until Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, the main singers of a British pop band and the best lyricists of their time, decided that somebody needed to write these passages down. The Bible features many great stories, such as The Last Supper, in which Jesus and his apostles sat still for 17 hours while da Vinci painted them; “Noah’s Ark,” in which Noah famously built that thing in St. Louis; and passages about “Holy Communion,” which isn’t just a phrase used to express excitement.
4. Lewis and Clark Expedition
Meriwether Lewis and William Clark are famously known for exploring the land acquired in the Louisiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson, aka the “Son of Jeffer,” ordered the two to first observe the explored territory and then create sketches depicting what they saw. When Lewis and Clark returned with a bunch of comedic skits, Jefferson was infuriated. In the end, the whole mission proved to be a waste of time, since they could have waited another century and just Google Maps – ed it.
5. The Wright Brothers
History remembers the Wright Brothers, and how could it not? The Wright Brothers knew they created something of value, but they were unaware how quickly their invention would take off.
Conversely, history forgets the duo’s main “competition” during those years: the Wrong Brothers. These guys couldn’t do anything right, and most of their attempts at flight were laughable, at best. Due to their inferior technological understanding relative to the more famous sibling tandem, the phrase, “Two Wrongs can’t even make a Wright” was coined.
But, they did discover a few major revelations in the world of flight. For example, in 1999, they discovered that the technique of flapping one’s arms up and down could not itself lead to a sustained path of flight, as John Wrong learned on his first attempt whilst jumping off a cliff. They just went by “The Wrong Brother” after that. Other discoveries of the Wrong Brothers included the following:
1. Time flies—although this one came a little too late in their life.
2. You can have a bird brain and still not learn how to fly.
3. Birds actually can fly— the earth just doesn’t move around underneath them.
4. Butterflies do not spread well on toast.