Donald Trump has always been universally admired (by the people who actually matter, mostly just Trump); but, after he publicly announced his support for a plan to ban all Muslims from entering the United States, he received praise from a new admirer–the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, also known as ISIS or ISIL. In a video released on Tuesday, ISIS heaped praise on The Donald for his most recent definitely-legal-and-practical policy position, claiming nothing they could do would be more valuable in their jihad against the West.

“He’s our best recruiter!” said “Mr. Sprinkles,” an ISIS operative in Syria who would only speak to me under a pseudonym to protect his identity. “There’s a big cultural divide between us here in Syria and most Western Muslims,” Mr. Sprinkles explained. “The whole yelling in Arabic and quoting the Quran just doesn’t reach the ears of most reasonable, everyday Muslims. But, Donald Trump, he’s provoked more fear and anger in America over these 14 shooting deaths than years of police brutality and dead schoolchildren ever did!”

Asked if he was worried about the efforts of President Obama and the United States against the group, Mr. Sprinkles replied, “Of course not. Obama is a Muslim, he’s on our side too! Between him and Trump our recruiting is through the roof! Obama bombs the shit out of Yemen, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan, teaching today’s Middle Eastern youth that America is a series of undetectable explosions that appear on sunny days, and Trump shows American Muslims that their country is at war with Islam, just like we’ve been saying all along! They’re practically doing our work for us, all we have to do is go on Twitter and find the recruits. The caliphate will be established in no time!”

Trump continues to lead the Republican presidential polls, and Obama’s approval ratings are higher than they have been in months.

Franklin is a member of the class of 2017.



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