This past weekend, junior Charles Wilkens announced to his parents: “Mom, Dad, I don’t want an internship this summer.” Wilkens’s parents were in shock with no understanding of where this underachieving attitude had come from.

“When baby Charles told us he wasn’t pursuing an internship, we assumed he had planned to take the MCAT…he didn’t. This was a wake-up call to us. How on earth does he intend on making the top five percent before his first-born???” cried his mother.

Talking to Charles, he explained, “I don’t know, I just want to do something more enriching. Maybe go work at a golf course, which offers free rounds or be a camp counselor. Or, even better, volunteer for those in need. I just want to make the world better, you know?”

These thoughts were an enormous twist from Charles’s typical interests.

Charles sudden change in life-path caused great concern with UR Admissions staff. “If all students act like this, there is no way we will get as selective a class for upcoming years,” an anonymous admissions counselor said. “We may transition from a research institution to a—I don’t want to say it­—liberal arts school.”

The UR Career Center commented on this bold decision with regards to his future job prospects, stating, “It’s questionable, but I am sure he will get by if we reformat his resume.”

Looking for an explanation as to why their son is no longer a go-getter and intends to fully enjoy his summer with a minimal income, Mr. and Mrs. Wilkens filed numerous CARE reports concering their son. Thus far, it has been determined that Charles is not a heavy drinker, does not do drugs, is not depressed, is still on pace to make Dean’s List, is active in the Rochester community and is behaving exactly how he always has. The only explanation for his change in goals appears to have been offered by his residential advisor, Michelle Riccardo. “I’m not sure if this is correct being that I’ve only read about it in my books, but it appears that Charles may have a disorder called laziness,” she said. “That, or he’s really passionate about other things. Maybe he just doesn’t care about being successful? But that’d be really odd and the first case among undergraduates I’d have seen yet.”

When asked about his plans for after graduation, Charles responded, “I think it will work out, I have a few options. For now, I am leaning toward moving to Colorado with that whole pot legalization bit. If that doesn’t pan out, maybe I’ll backpack around Europe. Worst-case scenario, I go to grad school or get employed by my dad’s company.”

Kuhrt is a member of 

the class of 2017.



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