The University of Rochester is known across America, and maybe even the globe, for its amazing dining halls. The student body’s diversity is matched only by its diversity of food. There are vegan, vegetarian, kosher, halal, meat-lover and late-night munchy choices for everyone. With all of these options on campus, why is it so impossible to have one decent smoothie option? Here at the UofR, we support a liberal lifestyle and mindset, and if there is one thing that liberals love more than overpriced coffee, it’s absurdly healthy smoothies. The overpriced coffee is easy to grab from Connections, Pura Vida and, of course, Starbucks, but these are unacceptable smoothie proprietors.

Starbucks, as we all know, mashes bugs into their strawberry smoothies to give them that extra flavor pop. Even Freshens, in the commons has proven, unsatisfactory. Many students have noted that their smoothies tasted exquisite while remaining “adequately” healthy, but the names and choices of these flavors seemed uninspired and boring. An anonymous junior, upon returning from a less than satisfactory trip to Freshens, declared, “I want zany and hip names for my smoothies like at Jamba Juice, or my Smoothie Shack back at home!”

It’s clear that, as enlightened individuals at a higher institute of education, we crave and demand affirmation of our own individuality through hipster and seemingly-random names for our fruit drinks.

To address this problem, a small group of like-minded, passionate individuals formed a think tank to come up with a more ideal set of names and flavor choices for a new smoothie bar. Here are their results:

Store Name: UR Thirsty (note the very original play on words!)


1. “Hipster-a-go-go”: Starfruit, blood oranges, tamarind and a bunch of other fruits no one has heard of.

2. “Bananas On The Rocks”: literally just ice and a halfheartedly blended banana puree.

3. “Kale, Tofu, Avocado and Other Gross Healthy Stuff”: a mixture of every ingredient that manages to not only taste bitter, but also look unappealing.

4. “Wild Strawberry”: they got that one right at Freshens. No complaints.

5. “Primer”: (for before class) a mix of sugar, caffeine, gasoline and more kale.

6. “The During”: (for class) the ingredients don’t matter as long as it’s so thick.

7. “Aftermath”: (for post-class) essentially a concoction of warm milk, half a glass of red wine and melatonin.

With so many wonderful ideas and a clear need for their immediate implementation, we can assume that the renovations in the Douglass Dining Hall will include all these provisions.

Mistler-Ferguson is a member of the class of 2017.

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Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

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