Sunday morning, UR’s Starbucks representative, Ven T. Verona, announced that Starbucks would be removing the lights found in their Wilson Commons location to “embrace an ethos that is spreading across America”. Starbucks is of course referring to the outbreak of so-called “boutique coffee shops” known for their “adorably” small servings and dimly lit, homey cafes.

This policy change on the part of Starbucks is part of the broader revolution within the coffee industry since the early 2000’s. Most notably, the 1999 WTO Protests in Seattle, Washington (home to Starbucks corporate headquarters) is believed to have stemmed from the blatantly ultra-consumerist tendencies of Starbucks and other coffee shops, rather than the WTO and a “new era of globalization” as is widely believed by academics. According to critics, these tendencies are demonstrated through the internal facades of Starbucks and other consumerist entities.

Recently, Starbucks has received minor flak for policies that include the introduction of what critics call “tiny” pastry serving sizes (as of press time, the author of this article was able to eat a blueberry muffin in one bite).

Verona allegedly visited Eastview Mall in Victor, NY, where he perused Abercrombie and Hollister’s architectural and lighting styles. “I feel like I’m one with the world,” he said. “The principles of feng shui will always be with me in my mind, heart, and soul.”

Verona also hinted that he may strike a deal with Abercrombie or Hollister in an attempt to bring the “luscious, hypnotic, and overwhelming” perfume into Wilson Commons. It is still unclear as to whether the perfume will comply with United Nations chemical weapons standards. However, there is speculation that Starbucks will be introducing a new blend of Syrian “incense…[not] unlike the chemical weapons it passed over to the UN”.

There’s no word yet on whether these changes will be extended to the Pit (or if they already have).

Schaffer is a member of

the class of 2016.


Dear Spirit Coordinator: please let me beat up Rocky

I want blood. I don’t know who the current Spirit Coordinator is, but if they’re reading this, I have only one word for them: coward.



Notes by Nadia: The joys of college

My most favorite part of being a college student is delaying the inevitable: becoming an actual adult.