Ramblings of a devoted fourth floor pooper

I feel as though I must apologize to the anthropology department. I must apologize for the smell. You see, I exclusively poop in the men’s bathroom on the fourth floor of Lattimore, where the anthropology professors reside. Although I try to poop there as often as my schedule permits me to, it only smells if I have had breakfast and lunch in Douglass. But I do hope that the anthropology department does consider this a formal apology.
There are several reasons that the fourth floor men’s bathroom is my safe haven.
For starters, there is never anyone else in there. I do not know if I have stumbled into some kind of Narnia shit station, but inside, no one else seems to exist. When I walk through my anthropological wardrobe, I find myself in a stall of solidarity.
And personally, I think nothing is better than pooping alone. Of course it is nice to change the pace and get some stall-to-stall discussion going, but during a busy day, those few moments of peaceful pooping are delightful.
When I am alone in the bathroom, I do not feel the pressure to muffle my laughter as I check up on my main bro, @TheTweetOfGod, and our favorite superhero,@Drunk_Hulk.
Alone in my stall, I am able to think aloud about how I would look with Zooey Deschenal bangs or what my life would be like if I had accepted Ryan Gosling’s offer and gone on tour with his small but serious ukulele band.
But I digress.  Another reason that my bathroom is superior is that it is a secret I share with the anthropology department. You have no idea how cool it is to share a secret with an anthropologist.  If you did not know already, anthropology is the study of humanity and analyzing trends through the study of different cultures. Their job is to share the secrets of humanity with the world! They have so much power, yet they choose to keep our beautiful bathroom a secret.
Lastly, I am free to do as I please. There is no judgment if I bring out a book or even my computer if I want to respond to a few emails.  Honestly, the bathroom is the perfect place to get work done. The window is cracked enough to let in a gentle breeze, and as humans descend from animals, I am most comfortable when not wearing pants. I can get all my readings for the week done while my cheeks are planted to the cold, white porcelain that is my throne.
Now that I have shared my greatest secret, I trust you readers not to abuse it. Find your own great place to poo! Email me for some recommendations and we can find a spot that fits your needs best.  But leave my bathroom — the lion, the shit, and the wardrobe — to me and the professionals of the fourth floor of Lattimore.
Weinberg is a member of
the class of 2015.I feel as though I must apologize to the anthropology department. I must apologize for the smell. You see, I exclusively poop in the men’s bathroom on the fourth floor of Lattimore, where the anthropology professors reside. Although I try to poop there as often as my schedule permits me to, it only smells if I have had breakfast and lunch in Douglass. But I do hope that the anthropology department does consider this a formal apology.
There are several reasons that the fourth floor men’s bathroom is my safe haven.
For starters, there is never anyone else in there. I do not know if I have stumbled into some kind of Narnia shit station, but inside, no one else seems to exist. When I walk through my anthropological wardrobe, I find myself in a stall of solidarity.
And personally, I think nothing is better than pooping alone. Of course it is nice to change the pace and get some stall-to-stall discussion going, but during a busy day, those few moments of peaceful pooping are delightful.
When I am alone in the bathroom, I do not feel the pressure to muffle my laughter as I check up on my main bro, @TheTweetOfGod, and our favorite superhero,@Drunk_Hulk.
Alone in my stall, I am able to think aloud about how I would look with Zooey Deschenal bangs or what my life would be like if I had accepted Ryan Gosling’s offer and gone on tour with his small but serious ukulele band.
But I digress.  Another reason that my bathroom is superior is that it is a secret I share with the anthropology department. You have no idea how cool it is to share a secret with an anthropologist.  If you did not know already, anthropology is the study of humanity and analyzing trends through the study of different cultures. Their job is to share the secrets of humanity with the world! They have so much power, yet they choose to keep our beautiful bathroom a secret.
Lastly, I am free to do as I please. There is no judgment if I bring out a book or even my computer if I want to respond to a few emails.  Honestly, the bathroom is the perfect place to get work done. The window is cracked enough to let in a gentle breeze, and as humans descend from animals, I am most comfortable when not wearing pants. I can get all my readings for the week done while my cheeks are planted to the cold, white porcelain that is my throne.
Now that I have shared my greatest secret, I trust you readers not to abuse it. Find your own great place to poo! Email me for some recommendations and we can find a spot that fits your needs best.  But leave my bathroom — the lion, the shit, and the wardrobe — to me and the professionals of the fourth floor of Lattimore.
Weinberg is a member of the class of 2015.