In an attempt to prove his youthfulness and continued swagger, UR president Joel Seligman made some big purchases this past weekend. Though those close to the president suspect a belated midlife crisis, Seligman maintains that he “simply wanted to spruce up the place.”
Seligman’s “sprucing” has not gone unnoticed among the campus community. In addition to his personal makeover, which includes everything from a swanky new hair cut to an alleged calf augmentation surgery, Seligman has introduced many other more substantial changes to the University and its facilities. “It’s freaking sweet,” senior Galen Gold exclaimed. “Yeah, my favorite addition has to be the new buses. They’ll still be 45 minutes late, but at least now they’re gonna be fashionably late.”
Gold is referring to Seligman’s fleet of brand new bright yellow Lamborghini stretch buses that are planned to replace the older, eco-friendly white buses that used to run out of ITS. Seligman claims that, “The old ones were just too dull, you know? Plus, the bus drivers will actually be happy now that they get to drive around in these phat pussy-wagons!”
Accompanying the new $33 million buses, Seligman has also purchased 30 new 1080p HD flat screen televisions to be installed throughout Wilson Commons, a two-lane moving walkway system running through the tunnels and a 40 — foot golden statue of himself to be erected on top of the library dome.
“It’s ridiculous what he’s doing, trying to attach his name to everything on campus, barked Board of Trustees Chairman Edmund A. Hajim. “Next thing we know, the Edmund A. Hajim Alumni Gymnasium, the Edmund A. Hajim School of Engineering and the Edmund A. Hajim School of School Naming will all have ridiculous names like ‘Seligman’ disgracing their walls. Outrageous!”
In an attempt to connect more with the student body, Seligman has also changed the campus-wide hourly time announcement from the familiar clock tower bells of Rush Rhees to the electric guitar chords of the song “Smoke On The Water” by Deep Purple.
As if the spending and rock-themed bell tower were not enough, in his most controversial attempt at gaining student popularity (aside from converting the Interfaith Chapel into the exotic dance club “Chaps”), Seligman publicly told off the Parking Administration in a campus-wide email that read:
“Dear Parking Administration … just chill, guys. Like, if you miss a couple of cars, no one’s gonna care. Give those cool kids a break, man. You know, they work their tails off in class and they deserve to chill and be chilled. Right? No more booting! No more booting! No more booting!”
All of these abrupt and questionable changes have the campus abuzz with talk about the “new Seligman.”
“I love it,” junior Sarah Peanutbutter stated. “It’s about time the president finally stepped up and provided for his students by giving us lavish, unwarranted gifts. It’s what we deserve!”
“Yeah, I had no idea he was this cool,” junior Aiden Furd reported. “At this rate, wecould even get a new bridge to Riverview that might actually be safe to walk across!”
Despite these abrupt campus-wide changes, Seligman insists that he is not going through a midlife crisis and is, in fact, simply “pimpin’ out the place.” Seligman declined further comment, as he was apparently in a rush to “get his game on with NBA 2K11” in his private gaming theater.
Rubenstein is a member of
the class of 2011.