Last time I wrote one of these, I told y’all to shut up and appreciate your stupid lives. And I’m going to do it again. Since my heart-wrenching sentiments about starving children were not effective, I am taking a different approach.

Let’s go old school take it back to the playground. Little you is at recess. You see that kid counting his D’D trading cards (call him Carlton we’re going as ’90s as possible) being approached by 225-lbs. Tony (a true bro in the making), the kid who breaks the popsicles with his sausage hands at craft time and out of futility eats the glue. Carlton’s little glasses jolt with every rippling footstep of Tony’s giant thighs, and you know a smackdown approaches. What are you thinking at that moment? You want to say you were possessed by genuine sympathy. You are a liar. You thought, ‘I’m so glad it’s not me!”

You think it all the time. You make it through the door just as the magic handicap button energy runs out and snicker at the sucker who now has to *gasp* manually open it. You take the last rainbow cookie at Starbucks and pity the fool two down the line who asks for one.

I have this idea. Perhaps if I point out the most unfortunate people in the world, you will stop complaining about your tests and hangovers and be appreciative. So, here are the top five most pitiful people in the world:

1. Hugh Hefner: Whining about tuition bills? Well, the economic crisis is hurting rich people too. Even Hef filed for bankruptcy. Now that the mansion is in jeopardy, his silicon-o-licious babes will abandon him. He will be forced to beg for Viagra on the streets. Alone.

2. Gia: The girl from ‘Rock of Love” who did that thing with her… you know. That was the greatest accomplishment of Gia’s life. She could die tomorrow, and it wouldn’t matter. At least you got to learn to read.

3. Kim Jong-Il: Imagine you have a birthday party. You order flowers, a bunch of missiles and some scrumptious cake. You’re going to party like it’s a demilitarized zone! Oh yeah, baby! Except there’s one problem: everyone at your party is there because they don’t want you to kill them. It sucks when Sig Chi runs out of beer, but mandatory dancing is a real buzz kill.

4. Barbie: You’ve been a doctor, astronaut and Spice Girl. Worried about picking the wrong major? Suck it up, because for Barbie, nothing satisfies. In the end, she’s just cold, shiny plastic.

5. Dinosaurs: You get to go traying on the hill behind Sue B. and see how many Genys you can shotgun in an hour. Last time I checked, dinosaurs were still extinct. Think about it.

Take that feeling you get when your friend is ranting about the lack of straws in the Pit, and you get to happily sip your Coke because you got there five minutes earlier. Channel that gratitude all the time, because if it happens to be you on the other side, there’s some skank on ‘Rock of Love” doing something vulgar with a straw right now. She’s going to lose all her dreams when Bret proceeds to make out with her and then kick her off the bus.

If nothing else, you’ve never made out with Bret Michaels. I hope.

Schneier is a member of the class of 2011.

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