Oh, hey! Welcome back to Life, Love… Sport (back in the black and blue edition).
I’m so happy to have y’all back in my life it has been a dark, bleak, thankless semester without all my loyal LLS readers responding to my fantastic column. It’s been hard, and I’m glad that you all persevered. And now it is time for us to turn our longing eyes toward the world of life, love and all things sports.
With this week’s NFL games, the college basketball games and other various happenings clogging the pipeline, we should get going.
Can we all agree that having a Pittsburgh-Baltimore game is not in the interest of the league? In fact, if I were the NFL, I would split up the AFC North, stick the Ravens in the terrible AFC West and the Steelers in the even more terrible NFC West and forbid them from playing each other. It’s utterly ridiculous that people actually enjoy watching the games. What’s the most exciting part Joe Flacco putting up numbers that my 12-year-old brother would be embarrassed by? Or is it the fact that punters are inexplicably celebrated for an entire week before the game? I hate watching these two teams play. It’s always cold and the field always looks like Satan took a dump on it. Plus, the quarterbacks are always terrible or getting concussed.
Meanwhile, the NFC title game was superb. Normally, I would root for the Eagles, but this year was a bit different. After all, having the Cardinals in the title game was cause for some combination of celebration, trepidation and some other word that ends in ‘tion” that I probably don’t know. Kurt Warner has officially become the Jesus of the NFL, able to ressurect the gimpiests teams and make them viable. It’s ironic, because he’s wicked religious. I wonder if his wife went batshit insane during a radio show at any point last week like that one time she did at a St. Louis radio station.
The moral of this story is that women who go batshit crazy are good for business at the LLS. Now that we know that a perennial pathetic team can win, the Detroit Lions are obligated to make the playoffs next year.
The other day, I was watching the news and apparently Oprah gained like a solid 50 pounds. Now, I don’t usually watch the shenanigans of a woman who likes to make fun of people in her spare time, but I know enough to recognize a publicity stunt when I see one.
This is unlike the time when T.O. decided to do sit-ups in his driveway. Everyone knows that Oprah has some serious self-esteem issues that can only be solved by getting everyone to look at her while she drops those 50 pounds.
Moving on, has anyone noticed how fantastic college basketball has become recently? Some of you might be clamoring for an official LLS Bandwagon Team. However, I must tell you that I don’t have the time or the willpower to watch the games each and every day, so I cannot make a legit pick to follow throughout, but I will say that I have been following Wake Forest with great interest. If you’re wondering why I would be a fan, just know that Chris Paul is from Wake, and he’s my third favorite player in the NBA, so it fits.
Speaking of the NBA, what’s the deal with the Cavs? Who do they think they are? What’s all this nonsense about being undefeated at home? I am not a fan. Also, I think that Delonte West belongs to several gangs.
Am I making this accusation based on fact? No. But have you seen the tattoos? Ridiculous. If the NBA has the nuts to fine Paul Pierce for making ambiguous ‘gang signs,” they should definitely come down like ghostbusters on West. In fact, if the tattooed thing doesn’t work out, fine him for his ridiculous first name. Maybe that will teach future mothers of America to read a book before naming their children.
It has come to my attention that some people have been clamoring for the identity of the next Patron Saint of the LLS. Since I haven’t really thought about it that hard, I have reserved judgment. For all of you with short memories, last year’s Patron Saint was the gorgeous Kaley Cuoco. This year, LLS may or may not go outside the sphere of network television. Stay tuned.
Track athletes are most likely to break records later in the day, when their body temperatures are highest.
Maystrovsky’s column appears weekly. Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.