We are in a crisis. No, not the new meal plan, not D-Day’s complications. I am referring to the lack of the well-dressed. Rochester is one of the most poorly dressed campuses I’ve seen I know we’re no NYU or Columbia, but let’s at least give it a shot, eh kids? Guys in mom jeans? Come on, George Costanza. Girls in tie-dye sweatshirts and worn-out sweatpants? Grow up, Britney. The lack of the sartorially aware is, in my humble opinion, why Rochester will continue to be considered a geeky (and ‘unattractive”) school. Unless we take action.

Do you want to be considered another University of Chicago? You might say, ‘But Eobfuscatezra, the school has a great rep!” If that’s your response, then you are blithely unaware of the fact that its unofficial motto is ‘Where Fun Goes to Die” and that it is not exactly known for its attractive campus. How do we become a university known for an attractive, well-dressed student body? It involves a three-prong plan and a basic set of fashion rules that I’ve created with our campus in mind.

Let me be clear I am not asking for you to be runway ready. What I am asking for is a little class something that says, ‘I care marginally about my appearance.” Why want a better-dressed campus in the first place? You’ll be doing your part to create an aesthetically pleasing campus, in two ways.

First, by being presentably (dare I say attractively?) dressed, you increase your Hot-or-Not rating by at least a point or two. Even the most butter-faced of us can adhere to this principle and notice instant results. Beauty may be on the inside, but really, it’s kind of not.

Of slightly more consequence, dressing fashionably ensures generations of attractive young Rochester scholars. When attractive high schoolers take a tour at Rochester, what happens? They look at the campus. If our student body is well-dressed, and the prospective students realize it? That’s right all those hot prospies want to be here because they feel they fit in here.

Ever been to a tour at NYU? There are beautiful, well-dressed people everywhere you turn. Sadly, I did not go on a tour of NYU when I was looking at colleges, and so I wound up here.

So now that you realize how crucial it is to become a little more shallow, how do we do it? Using a multi-faceted plan, we utilize the University’s resources and make drastic changes to the way things work around here: give grants, replace the writing course and overhaul the bookstore’s clothing selection.

1.) The Rush Rhees Grant of Excellence in Dress.

The first step is to give grants to those currently dressing well, you know who you are. It will require a basic application process involving a week-long analysis of wardrobe choice. The grant is designed to reward those who currently possess good taste and to encourage them to set an example for the rest of campus. The Office of Admissions should be willing to help out, considering all the good it does for the school’s morale and reputation imagine that improved quality-of-life rating we would get from the U.S. News Ranking!

2.) CAS 101.

Now that we’ve worked to preserve the currently good-looking, we need to help those who could use some improvement. Clearly the opportunity for grants and scholarships won’t be effective unless they already have some basics down. In order to teach them, I propose we replace CAS 105 (Is it WRT now?) with CAS 101 a primer on how to dress well. Since we all know that CAS 105 is useless (only joking, dear administrators), why don’t we do some good for the school and the student body. I’m even willing to consider a CAS 101E (an alternative for those who need a little ‘extra help”). The classes will include history of fashion, basic rules and a guide to shopping without blowing all your tuition money. But as long as we’re redoing CAS, why not also include some basic etiquette lessons? It will focus on how to properly maneuver handicap doors . Here’s a preview: if the door open is not on your side of the hall and it is busy, don’t try to snake through. Or use the other door. Of course, those currently on the Rush Rhees Grant of Excellence in Dress (let’s be honest, he dressed baller) are exempt from the class, but they may be asked to TA.

3.) Bookstore Overhaul.

How do we ensure all of our newly educated students continue to dress well? Simple. Since many students cannot be bothered to head off campus, and so much ugly clothing is found in the bookstore we should kill two birds with one stone: replace the collegiate wear with a small-scale couture store. We’ll stock the bookstore full of designer clothing, effectively replacing everything except for those expensive-ass sweatshirts that say Rochester on them and are basically a requirement for attending UR. $60 for a zip-up? Obscenely overpriced.

On second thought, I’m totally okay replacing those too. We’ll find some American Apparel ones and screen print across the back.

I’m proposing that these items of clothing be heavily subsidized by Admissions to encourage ownership. After all, isn’t the student body (and the students we will attract) worth it?

Okay, so all of this might take a little bit of work to achieve. What are some provisions that will create immediate results? Here they are: the 8 Fashion Rules UR Students Should Adhere To.

1) Sweatpants are not acceptable if you don’t have a 9:40 class. Trips to the gym not included, wearing sweatpants should not be worn at normal hours of the day. And if you must, please &- enough of the worn-out, two sizes too big, grey Rochester sweatpants you’ve had since you came to take a tour during your junior year of high school. Juicy Couture is equally frowned upon &- just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it isn’t tacky.

2) Leggings and a long shirt? That was cool 3 years ago. Find something else to wear when you’re going out to party. I’ll probably catch flack for this one, but please find a new trend. Every once in a while it looks great, the rest of the time I’m not convinced.

3) Wayfarers looked great because they were original and timeless. Just because your ray-ban knockoffs (or, in light of their recent re-issue) might glow in the dark doesn’t mean you should wear them. Get shutter shades for that. Ray Ban Wayfarers are best in Black and Tortoise Shell (think Blues Brothers or Audrey Hepburn).

4) I know that if you have lots of classes and labs and papers to write it can be hard to find the time to go shopping. But Marketplace Mall is so close that it’s hard to believe you don’t have the time to go shopping for jeans that actually fit you. Please. Clothing that actually fits you will go so far. It doesn’t need to be expensive, it just needs to actually fit.
Not sure how to tell if it fits? Bring a friend who has a clue. They’ll be able to help you out. No more tapered jeans or shirts that just don’t hang right.

5) I’m not sure how many Rochester has, but I’m sure there are a few George Costanza wallets out there. You know, the things that are like 4 inches thick, that might actually be ‘assault with a deadly weapon” if someone threw it at you.
Carry less. How much do you need besides an ATM card, your ID and a credit card? Maybe 40 bucks or so in cash? That does not create a 4-inch wallet. What the hell are you even holding in there, your girlfriend’s unborn child? It just looks awkward.

6) Just because it was ‘really expensive” does not mean it looks good. However, it does mean you look like a jackass every time you mention to me how much it costs. It still looks like crap.

7) While not really worth restating, Crocs belong 3 places: the bathroom, the garden, and the mountain summit. Wilson Commons is not included in that list, neither is anywhere else on campus. Danforth brunch is pushing it, but close.
If you hike regularly or play ultimate Frisbee, you’re enough of a hippie to pull it off.

8) Speaking of Danforth brunch, someone needs to tell the freshmen living in Danforth that arriving for breakfast in pajamas with Sesame Street characters on the
m is not acceptable, and neither are those slippers that look like a shoe or a dog. You look like a total idiot.

Sweatpants are only acceptable if you are hung over.

Yeah, you’re right, I’m just a jealous upperclassman, but that doesn’t make you look any less like an idiot.

Moebcfhuasbcearte is a member of the class of 2011.

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